trial and error
by ribbons-red
Summary: "Alrighty, brave and loyal compatriots of the Shinsengumi. Our problem? One irritable Okita-taichou. Our objective? Getting Kagura-sama to become his girlfriend. Likely outcome? We're so screwed." /Okita x Kagura/
1. Chapter 1

trial and error

* * *

"Alrighty, brave and loyal compatriots of the Shinsengumi. Our problem? One irritable Okita-taichou. Our objective? Getting Kagura-sama to become his girlfriend. Likely outcome? We're so screwed."

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: In which a stupid plan is concocted **

"I think you're losing your touch, China," Okita Sougo smirked as he easily ducked a fist aimed at his head, swiftly taking the advantage to lean down and sweep a leg under both her feet. With an outraged yelp, Kagura hit the ground, panting hard as she glared resentfully up at the blond-haired Shinsengumi Captain.

She just barely held herself back from launching herself at him in another fit of rage—for it would most likely end with her right back where she was now. It seemed that every time she came face to face with this arrogant ass in front of her, she just couldn't win, she thought with a scowl. To think that this one, measly human guy could overcome her supposedly unbeatable Yato strength with such ease…well, it didn't really do wonders for her ego.

With mock courtesy, Okita extended a hand to the seventeen-year-old girl sprawled on the street, an oddly playful light flickering in his dark red eyes. "Getting slower in your old age, hm?"

"Dream on, Sadist. If I'm old, then you're _ancient_, uh-huh," Kagura snorted, purposefully ignoring the waiting hand and lithely getting up without aid. Like she was a helpless damsel in distress that needed to be lifted from the ground, she seethed to herself. When pigs freakin' flew and Gin-chan actually paid them a regular salary.

Annoyed, she brushed the street dust that had accumulated on her traditional red Chinese-style outfit, sighing as she found a rip at its hem. Somehow, these near-daily fights always seemed to result in yet another piece of clothing being decimated beyond repair—no doubt Gin-chan would grumble when he had to foot the bill for new outerwear, she thought with a roll of the eyes. But in all seriousness, she really had to begin holding herself back from these constant fights with the King of all Sadists. It wasn't good for her outfits—

"Twenty-two isn't considered elderly, monster girl," Okita commented, with a raised eyebrow. His eyes swept her body briefly, blatantly taking in the still underdeveloped curves and childish stance. Amusedly, he added, "Except perhaps to a kid like you."

-and it definitely wasn't good for her blood pressure, Kagura fumed as her blue orbs narrowed in anger at the pompous jerk in front of her.

A _kid?_ A _kid_? Why the hell did it seem like each and every time they saw each other, he felt the need to make some reference to her apparent childishness? Even better, why did it always _bother_ her so much that in the eyes of her greatest rival, she was still the little thirteen year old girl he'd met all those long years ago, her hair cutely done up in buns and a piece of sukonbu always hanging from her lips?

She didn't even _wear_ her hair like that anymore.

Resolutely, she ignored the sudden onslaught of stinging pressure that began building up behind her eyes, choosing instead to snatch up her purple umbrella from where it had fallen on the ground and spinning around to leave. She didn't need to be labeled a cry baby by him as well as a _kid_, and she was absolutely _through_ with putting up with that arrogant jerk for the day.

Che. She really should just send him flying headfirst into a building one of these days. Except she had her doubts as to whether that would even succeed in ridding the world of him, cockroach-like cretin that he was.

Perhaps the blonde Shinsengumi sensed that he had gone too far in his teasing, because the next thing Kagura felt was the warm sensation of his fingers gently enclosing her wrist, halting her in the process of stomping away indignantly. Furious blue eyes met oddly repentant red as Kagura spun around in surprise, long pink locks flying as she turned to look at the tall man standing motionlessly before her.

Okita's usually smug face was strangely blank as he looked at her, lacking its usual mocking expression. Kagura shifted uncomfortably as a moment passed without either one of them saying anything, his slim swordsman hand still wrapped around hers.

She was really beginning to get worried. Uncertainly, she parted her lips, blue orbs tinted with confusion. "Oi..Sadist?"

Her voice seemed to wake him from whatever lapse of sense had overtaken him, and she nearly let out a sigh of relief as his red eyes focused on her. "What is it, China?"

Kagura allowed her gaze to meander down to where he still grasped her hand. "What are you doing, uh-huh?" She asked quietly, unconsciously falling back into her old speech habit.

It took only a brief second for the Shinsengumi captain to break free of whatever had occupied his thoughts, eyes trailing down to where Kagura was staring at their joint hands. Immediately he let go, unfurling his fingers and allowing her smaller hand to drop back down to her side. Something odd lingered in the air between them, the rivalry that had bound them together for years threatening to cross into an area that both were hesitant to traverse.

Kagura swallowed hard at the strange look in her rival's eyes, trying to speak, but finding that the words were stubbornly sticking in her dry throat. "Okita-baka—"

"Sorry, China," he interrupted, his familiar smirk back in place. "You were in the process of stomping off, right?"

The tiny pink-haired girl blinked at the sudden change in pace. "Wha—"

He yawned, stretching his lanky body carelessly. "By all means, carry on. I've got better things to do than babysit aliens in my spare time." Abruptly he spun around, his usual long stride taking him further and further away. He raised a hand, waving lackadaisically. "See you around, monster girl."

"H-hey!"

It couldn't have been plainer that he was ridding himself of her presence as fast as he possibly could, and Kagura valiantly tried to ignore the hurtful twinge in her gut that it caused her. A few moments later, and the Yato girl found herself completely alone, the rubble and destruction surrounding her the only evidence that someone else had even been with her.

* * *

There were nervous glances all around as Okita Sougo, First Captain of the Shinsengumi, strode into the mess hall just in time for the last call to dinner.

Whether he realized it or not, the easy, boisterous atmosphere that had colored the room's aura only moments ago abruptly faded into one of unease. Conversation lessened slowly, smiles were replaced with tightened lips, and lazily sprawled bodies snapped to attention.

Over a hundred pairs of eyes covertly swept the lithe form of the man, looking for the tell-tale signs that communicated whether or not all hell was about to break loose upon them.

Ruffled, sweat-spiked hair? Check.

Clothing in obvious disarray, strewn with dust and dirt? Check.

Eyes glowing with evident frustration and simmering wrath? Check.

There was a single, collective groan, and the men of the Shinsengumi looked sadly down at the unfinished plates of food they were sure they wouldn't be seeing for another few hours. Mournfully, they resigned themselves to the torture they were sure would be quick in the coming.

Okita came to a gradual halt, gazing apathetically at the room full of apprehensive men around him. The slight smirk that spread across his handsome features certainly did not bode well for any of them—Okita-taichou grinning was the equivalent of Hijikata-taichou offering free hugs: it was a sure sign of the coming apocalypse.

"And what are you guys up to, hm?"

Most of the men who actually _had_ brains realized that it was a question best left unanswered. After all, if nobody spoke back, then Okita-taichou would be unable to vent his frustrations upon them. And if he were unable to vent his frustrations on them, then maybe he would be content to satiate his rage on some poor, innocent tree out in the training field, hacking it up until there was nothing left but a few measly splinters.

However, one brave new recruit, naively unaware and unused to the danger when the blonde captain came back in this way, piped up, "Eating dinner, sir!"

Dark red eyes stared at him unblinkingly until the new Shinsengumi member shrank back in confusion, both at the Captain's odd behavior and the death glares he was receiving from his fellow compatriots for being foolhardy enough to provide an answer to the captain's rhetorical query.

The resident sadist of the Shinsengumi leaned unconcernedly against the wall. With every appearance of boredom, he said to the occupants of the room, "Well, you're not now."

A black-haired member spoke up hesitantly. "Um, we aren't, Captain?"

Everyone recoiled at the Captain's sudden laugh, which was dry and largely devoid of humor. "I expect everyone to be on the practice field in two minutes. Last one to be there will be stuck on bathroom duty for a month."

A deadly pause occurred as everyone pictured the fungus infected pit of bacteria that acted as the Shinsengumi's bathroom. The one that everyone was far too afraid to enter in the case that some of the mold had actually become sentient (Yamazaki swore up and down that a piece of filth bearing a frightening resemblance to Kondo-san had actually tried to strangle him once).

The lull in noise stretched as everyone then pictured having to clean said pit of bacteria every day for a month.

There was a satisfied smirk on Okita's face as there was a mad scramble to leave the room.

* * *

Exactly one hundred twenty seconds later and counting, the practice fields in front of the compound were swarmed with unfortunate Shinsengumi members in for a bit of impromptu sword practice, a restless, irritated Okita watching the clusters of men with narrowed eyes.

One group in particular was casting dark glances at their captain, their rumbling stomachs merely serving to sharpen the daggers in their gazes. The simmering heat of summer outside did nothing to ease the burdens of training, merely heightening the nasty effects of exercising on half-empty digestive tracts.

"Damn it, I _hate_ it when Okita-taichou gets like this," the same black-haired member of the Shinsengumi who had spoken at dinner muttered to his fellow sufferers as they relentlessly swung their training bokutos up and down, sweat dripping from every inch of their red and flushed faces. His low words, spoken so in fear of a certain Sadistic captain overhearing, garnered soft murmurs of agreement and fervent nods from those around him.

A tall red-head beside him laughed miserably. "Tell me about it. This is happening pretty regularly now, wouldn't ya say?"

"At _least_ every time he goes out on patrol. Sometimes on his days off too," someone else groaned. "It's starting to become _murder_."

"Not become, it _is _murder. Brutal, hellish murder."

The young recruit who had answered Okita's ill-fated question looked curiously around at his companions on the practice field, eager to be included in the conversation. "So he always acts this way?" He asked with interest, gaze darting to the scowling blonde captain who was standing irritably on the headquarters' porch, not even sparing a glance to the gossiping Shinsengumi. Rather, he seemed more intent on setting the tatami mats on fire with the wrathful heat of his glare.

Thankfully he didn't seem to be having much luck with that. They didn't need the added stress of extinguishing a fire on top of everything else this day had brought.

The redhead snorted, eyes falling upon the aforementioned captain also. "No, he only became this way after he fell in lo—ouch!" He recoiled after the black-haired Shinsengumi next to him smacked him over the head.

"Shut up, Ryotaro! We still don't even know if that's the reason for taichou's weird behavior recently."

The red-haired member, obviously known as Ryotaro, rubbed his head in a wounded fashion, eyes tightening in annoyance. "Well what _else_ would you attribute it to, Shin?" He snapped back at his attacker impatiently. "He only started acting like this after _something_ changed with _her_."

The little recruit's mouth dropped open. "Ryotaro-senpai, you mean Okita-taichou's acting like this because of a _girl_?" The fearsome Captain Okita Sougo, famed member of the dreaded Edo Shinsengumi and well-known merciless sadist, was in an openly foul disposition because of…because of…a woman?

He blinked, eyes threatening to turn into swirls of confusion. How was that even earthly possible? Normal men lost their heads over women; normal men fell hopelessly in love and began to act in irrational manners! _Normal men_, not _Okita Sougo_.

Ryotaro grinned in amusement as he regarded the shell-shocked boy, soft snorts coming from the other Shinsengumi men who were listening to the conversation as well. He placed an affectionate hand on the young teen's spiky hair, ruffling it in a friendly fashion. "I wouldn't call her a 'girl', exactly Kenji," he told the newest trainee in the gang.

Shin rolled his eyes, joining in on the good-humored teasing. "More like an _alien _girl, wouldn't you say?"

Kenji's already large blue eyes went impossibly larger, the brown freckles on his nose standing out as he paled dramatically. "An _alien_? You mean—you mean—Okita-taichou's in love with…an alien?" He turned faintly green, obviously entertaining thoughts of slime-ridden tentacles, turquoise scaly skin, and sharp killer teeth. He glanced apprehensively towards the blonde captain again. Sure, he had always thought Okita-tachou had been a little sadistic and scary, but a fairly regular person nonetheless. But now…

His petrified thoughts were cut off by the raucous laughter emitting from the older members surrounding him in a close-knit cluster.

Still snickering, Shin said, "It's not what you think, kid. She's really quite pretty. Beautiful, even. You've seen her when you patrolled that one time with taichou, right Ryotaro?"

"Aa," he agreed amiably, with an eager bob of his fiery-colored head. "She's really breath-taking, kinda like a…like one of those fancy Chinese porcelain dolls you always see in the stores, ya know? Big blue eyes, long pink hair, tiny and delicate—"

Kenji smiled, his initial horror upon the news that his captain was head over heels for a space creature lessening slightly. "She sounds nice."

"—and with the ability to demolish a building just by using her fist," Ryotaro concluded, making Kenji's naive smile fade to a look of shock, a tiny, boyish squeak of astonishment emerging from his parted lips. "You'll probably catch a glimpse of her at some point, Kenji-kun. We've gotten entangled with those weirdo Odd Jobs guys on more than one occasion."

"Yeah, and it always ends up in more trouble and headache for _us_," Shin grumbled, wincing in remembrance of eccentric beetle hunting, nefarious take over plots and Otaku captains, failed Gorilla weddings and crazy Joi skirmishes. "And they're even _more_ trouble if it's true that their female member is responsible for—"

The conversation was momentarily cut short as a pained yelp echoed across the training compound, and all the members turned to see Yamazaki crawling, miserably singed and soot-covered, from a bazooka-made hole in the ground.

"Oi, Yamazaki, you were going too slowly. Stop lazing around," Okita's drawling voice called out blandly, his hands holding up his favorite and most oft-used weapon.

Bokutos were suddenly swung up and down with renewed fervor all around the compound, the harsh _swish_ of air caused by the motion suddenly loudly permeating the previously lax atmosphere.

"Well, if _she's_ responsible for _that_," the dark-haired man finished pointedly, even as all members of the small gossiping group suddenly gaining a new interest in the training exercise, crippling fear of being on the receiving end of their captain's bazooka innervating their arm muscles effectively.

Shin sighed heavily as he raised and lowered his bokuto in swift, repetitive swings. "If we survive this, it'll be a miracle," was his gloomy prediction. "When I joined the Shinsengumi, I knew it would be dangerous, but I wasn't exactly expecting to be trained to death by an irritable captain in love."

His red-haired friend grinned at his typically morose tone, clapping him on the shoulder with a free hand. "Right little ray of sunshine, aren't ya Shin?"

"Shut up. It's hard to be optimistic when your sexually frustrated captain insists on using us for target practice every day."

Hesitantly, Kenji ventured, "So, this…um, girl…she doesn't like Okita-taichou back?"

Ryotaro shrugged. "No idea. Women are the most damned complicated creatures on the face of the earth, ya know? No matter what planet they're from—alien or human they're all the same." He shook his head with a knowing grin, even as his best friend rolled his eyes at the bravado in his tone.

"Ugh, it's like Otae-san and Kondo-san all over again," someone moaned piteously. "Remember how many times we were dragged along to help him try to woo her?"

"Oh god, like that time he made us form a human pyramid and serenade her?" Another chimed in with a sickened expression.

"And that other time when he made us keep a running supply of ice cream to her when she was sick?"

"Or when…or when…that time he made us—"

"Hush! We swore never to speak of that incident again, remember?"

"Well, they _did_ eventually get married, ya know," Ryotaro inserted with a reasonable air, taking in the pathetic expressions of his fellow comrades-in-torture. A frown appeared as a sudden thought occurred to him. "It only took—"

"—_three years_ until she agreed to go out with him," Shin broke in sullenly, eyeing everyone with a glum look of doom, "and then another _year_ until she finally agreed to marry him."

A graveyard silence, courtesy of Shin, settled over the Shinsengumi as they all realized what deep trouble they were potentially in. They weren't sure that their poor bodies could hold out for another four years under Okita's brutal training/torture sessions resulting from an unsatisfactory love life.

Then someone summed up their thoughts nicely, despair in every inch of his voice. "It's hopeless. Why the hell do we have to suffer 'cause of our taichous' bad taste when it comes to the female species?"

It was, in hindsight, quite a valid question.

Everyone paused a moment to wonder why exactly all of their superiors were attracted to such violent women. Was it so much to ask that they find a nice, normal little housewife to fall for, one that lacked in the ability to demolish entire towns in a fight or take apart monsters with their bare hands. With the track records of two of their other captains, they all collectively shuddered to think of who Hijikata-fukutaichou would end up with.

Gah.

The coming days were looking increasingly bleak if that was the situation.

Perhaps it was time to consider a different choice of career? Baking, perhaps? Or maybe gardening?

"Well, if…if that's the case," Kenji ventured shyly, hesitatingly speaking up before his moping comrades. "Why don't we all just…speed things up a little?"

The young recruit suddenly found himself on the receiving end of a multitude of stares, some confused, some skeptical, but all hopeful for any way out of the hellish existence that was sure to come about, courtesy of their captain.

"Speed things up?" Someone questioned among the group. "How?"

"I mean, getting them together faster, rather than waiting for it to happen naturally," Kenji clarified, blushing as considering murmurs spread throughout the gathered men.

Shin gave a derisive snort. "You mean, _trying_ to get them together…at least until Okita-taichou catches on to what we're doing and painfully castrates, disembowels, and subsequently burns us all at the stake for it. Brilliant."

"Shut up, Shin! The kid may have something there, ya know," Ryotaro mused, effectively ignoring the characteristically downhearted words of the other. He gave a wild grin as he punched one hand into another, laughing triumphantly. "And hell, anything's better than dealing with _this_ for the next million years or so!"

"Yeah, but Shin's got a point, too," another member pointed out. "And I like my balls where they are, thank you very much."

Quickly intervening with bright eyes before an argument could erupt, Kenji piped up, "Yeah, and that's why we work from the _other_ end. If we could just get the alien girl taichou likes to make the first move, then he doesn't ever have to know about our involvement! They get together, Okita-taichou's happy, and everything works out okay!"

They all wore contemplative looks at that, mulling over the proposition.

"If it goes that smoothly, it'll be a miracle," Shin muttered, frowning. "And I still hold to my castrate, disembowel, burn prediction."

Ryotaro sighed heavily, before clapping one hand on Shin's shoulder and the other on Kenji's. "Then let me put it this way," he drawled out with false cheer. "We either gather every eligible man of sound mind and body to help us out in this most important endeavor, or in little more than a year there won't be enough left of our sanity _or_ our bodies to qualify as men. Got it?"

And really, when put that way, there wasn't much of a choice.

In the background, there was another distant yelp of pain as an unfortunate Yamazaki was once again used as target practice by their irate captain.

* * *

It had to be noted that the central meeting room of the Edo Shinsengumi headquarters was a very, very large room.

As in gargantuan.

As in, 'what the hell was the guy who designed this drinking when he did so'.

With that addendum, the exact magnitude of the crowd should be understood when it's said that the room was _full._ Shinsengumi lined the walls, perched on any spare windowsills, and carefully ducked to avoid their neighbors' flying elbows or gesturing hands. It was an impressive turnout, made even _more_ impressive considering what the subject of the meeting was, defining just how desperate the men of the Shinsengumi had become.

A hush quickly fell over the crowd as a tall red-head strutted to the forefront of the room.

"Attention, brave and loyal compatriots of the Shinsengumi!" Shouted a certain over-enthusiastic Ryotaro, pointing his bokuto at the gathered horde of Shinsengumi before him. Kenji, who had the misfortune to be seated in the front row, hastily leaned backwards to save himself from being stabbed in the eye. "Welcome to the first annual "Get Okita-taichou married and/or laid" meeting! Your support in this matter is duly—"

His spiel was cut short by a deliberate cough from a member of the audience, who, upon closer observation, turned out to be none other than his erstwhile best friend.

"_What_, Shin?" He asked irritably, annoyed at his stride being ruined.

Shin surveyed him blankly, and in his normal deadpan, said, "'Get Okita-taichou married and/or laid' meeting? Really, Ryo, you couldn't come up with _anything_ better? Say, something more covert that won't get us all ordered to commit seppuku should Okita-taichou overhear of it?" He scoffed, shaking his head derisively. "Use your brain, idiot."

There were quiet murmurs of agreement rippling throughout the room, as no one particular fancied being on the receiving end of their captain's unholy wrath, causing Ryotaro's face to immediately turn the same color of his fiery hair. "Shut up, Shin! It was the best I could come up with on such short notice!" He paused, glowering out at his comrades as he folded his arms petulantly. "And it's not like the name really _matters_ anyways, ya know?"

Chewing thoughtfully on his mouthful of anpan, Yamazaki chimed in helpfully, "Shin-san has a point, you know. We should all come up with something more discreet…something we can freely refer to in the presence of Okita-taichou. Like the Anpan Plan!"

Yamazaki wilted when his name suggestion was promptly shot down with a unanimously shouted "NO!", muttering darkly under his breath about unappreciative food snobs.

Kenji, ever the practical one, raised his hand slightly and said, "We should brainstorm different names for the plan, then. Like—"

"Like the Amazing Plan!" Someone called out cheerfully, clearly under the impression that this was a good name.

"The Cool Plan!" Was another yelled out.

Well, no one ever _said_ that members of the Shinsengumi were hired based on merits of creativity. Really, the only requirement for joining up was that you knew which end of a sword to hold…and even _that _knowledge was a little suspect among members.

"I like the 'We're All Doomed To Miserably Fail' plan," Shin input sullenly, even though his pessimism was predictably ignored by all present.

Kenji looked thoughtful for a moment, before his young face brightened. "How about the 'Awesome Super Secret' plan?"

Ryotaro snorted from his position on stage. "There is absolutely no way in all the fiery hells I'm going around saying I'm a member of the Shinsengumi A.S.S. plan."

"Well, _fine_, if you're being so picky…What about the 'Dangerously Ultra Manly Battle' plan?

"That's not much better, kid. Not much better."

—

—

—

…_**Two hours later…**_

_**—**_

_**—**_

_**—**_

"Alrighty, brave and loyal compatriots of the Shinsengumi," a ragged-looking and much less enthusiastic Ryotaro half-heartedly called out to the crowd, which was also looking decidedly worse for wear. "Like I was trying to say over _two freaking hours ago _before I was interrupted," he sent a pointed glare at a certain dark-haired _someone_. "Welcome to the first annual—"

It was here that he took a deep breath, "—'Awesome Cool Super Secret Shinsengumi Love-Love Plot Shut Up That's A Stupid Name No It Isn't Go Jump Off A Bridge Wait I Forgot To Put On Clean Underwear No One Wants To Hear That Yamazaki-san Stop Eating Anpan Fish Are Flying Through The Air But Only In May Gorilla Gorilla Sailor Senshi Are Cooler Than Shinsengumi OMG Kawaii Pandas Are Cute The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly In The Plain My Ears Are Bleeding Believe It Okita-taichou's In Dire Need of A Girlfriend/Wife So Shut Up And Let's Figure It Out' meeting."

Ryotaro leaned over, gasping painfully for air and clutching his stomach.

Everyone looked mildly impressed that Ryotaro had actually managed to recite the name in a single breath.

Shin was making a face that heavily indicated he was going to interrupt with another snide comment regarding the title of their evil plot, but one deadly glance from the heavily breathing redhead stopped him in his tracks. So instead he sighed and leaned back in his chair, obviously resigned to being associated with one of the stupidest names in the history of mankind (he would later revise his opinion after a training visitation to the renowned Yagyu clan's compound, in which the entirety of the Shinsengumi would be cowed by a tiny, poo-tossing monkey with a name to put theirs to shame).

There was a pause as Ryotaro tapped his chin speculatively, and decided, "We can call it the A.C.S.S.S.L.L.P.S.U.T.A.S.N.N.I.I.G.J.O.A.B.W.I.F.T.P.O.C.U.N.O.W.T.H.T.Y.S.E.A.F.A.F.T.T.A.B.O.I.M.G.G.S.S.A.C.T.S.O.K.P.A.C.T.R.I.S.F.M.I.T.P.M.E.A.B.B.I.O.I.D.N.O.A.G.W.S.S.U.A.L.F.I.O. for short. Who doesn't love acronyms, right?"

Wisely, nobody decided to comment.

Slipping back into his former state of excitement, Ryotaro pumped a fist into the air and shouted, "Now men, _what_ is our mission?"

"To find all the Dragon Balls!"

"Who the hell let Goku in here? Out. Now. Our objective's a little more realistic, thank-you-very-much."

Goku sadly left.

Annoyed, Ryotaro tried for the second time. "Now, tell me what our damn mission is!"

"To bring together Kagura-sama and Okita-taichou!" This was chorused in such eerily perfect unison by all present that Ryotaro couldn't help but blink in bemusement.

He shrugged. "Good answer." Ryotaro resumed pacing up and down the stage floor, his long red hair bouncing with each loud step. "We all know this has become a life-and-death situation: if we don't improve Okita-taichou's love life, we'll all be dead from too much training. Of course, we'll probably all be dead anyways should Okita-taichou figure out what we're doing, but I'm willing to risk it! Now who's with me?"

In the general way of manly men, there was a roar of approval at the thought of heedlessly throwing themselves headlong into the path of danger.

"And _what_, men, is the verdict of this noble and illustrious venture going to be?" Ryotaro questioned in a deafening voice amidst the chatter of the gathered men. "Knowing that we have pooled all of our resources, all of our wiles, and all of our combined intelligence into this quest, what is the only possible outcome?"

"SUCCESS!" was the general outcry that immediately rose up.

Shin, still seated wordlessly in his chair, looked to his left to see a contented Yamazaki chewing dreamily on his anpan, and then looked to his right to see a guileless, smiling Kenji. He didn't need to look in front of him to know that Ryotaro was still bouncing around on the stage like a red-haired imbecile.

Wiles and intelligence, huh?

He exhaled and rubbed the bridge of his nose to stave off the oncoming headache.

"We are _so_ screwed."

* * *

**So this idea for a story just randomly popped into my head, and I thought it would be cute to write about the hapless men of the Shinsengumi trying to meddle in their captain's love life. For this purpose I did have to invent the Shinsengumi characters of Ryotaro, Shin, and Kenji, since we really don't have all that many actual members to go on beside the principle four of Kondo, Hijikata, Okita, and Yamazaki. But don't worry if you dislike OC's: every chapter will involve the canon characters in some way or another, and definitely center around Kagura and Okita's relationship. **

**Hopefully you guys will have as much fun reading this as I did writing it! Like it or hate it, I'd love to hear some feedback :)**

**(Side note: For anyone who doesn't know, Yamazaki's strange obsession with anpan is a running gag later in the anime; and the whole plan name is parodying the pet monkey that Kyuubei had…the one with the hilariously long name that had no end to it :P)**


	2. Attempt 1

trial and error

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**Attempt #1: Begging (Otherwise known as 'The Intrepid Men of the Shinsengumi Forfeit Their Dignity')**

"Ah!" There was a pleased exclamation from Ryotaro as the extensive group of Shinsengumi drew up before an old wooden store that read 'Otose's Snack House'. It was on a narrow little street that was bustling with people, causing the thirty or so blue-suited men to huddle together at the entrance to avoid being bowled over. "Here we are, guys! The very lair of the dragon herself!"

Kenji blinked as he joined the rest in looking up apprehensively at the deceptively normal-looking building.

_This_ was where Okita-taichou's lady love dwelled?

From the others' description of her, which had ranged from a doll-like foreigner to a crazy Amanto who had more power in a pinky finger than most men did in their entire body, he had either been expecting her to live in an opulent palace or a veritably impenetrable fortress. He tilted his head, brown hair falling messily to the side, as he tried to view it from a different angle…but no, it really was just a simple little two-story structure.

"Now, remember what I told you guys," Ryotaro's voice cut intrusively through his ruminations. "The simple approach first. We gain entrance, fall to our knees, and plead like hell for her to put Okita-taichou out of his single-life misery. Don't overdo it or we might scare her off."

"Of course, Ryo," came Shin's deadpan cadence. "You're the resident master of simplicity, after all."

Ryotaro nodded absentmindedly. "That's right, Shin, I'm the—oi, you gloomy bastard!" The redhead scowled, a sulky look contorting his features. "Don't insult me, idiot!"

"Hn."

Kenji sighed as he watched his two senpai lapse into a stubborn conversation composed entirely of bickering, not for the first time ardently wishing that Yamazaki-senpai could have accompanied them on the enactment of the first part of the plan instead of attending to a mission assigned to him by Hijikata-taichou. With his reigning seniority over the rest of the gathered members, he probably could have put an end to the bickering…or at least stuffed his anpan into Shin and Ryotaro's mouths to quiet them.

He rubbed his forehead as the fighting escalated in decibels.

At the rate they were going, Kenji theorized as Ryotaro's shoe went flying through the air at Shin, they all might very well be old men before they managed to bring Okita-taichou and Kagura-sama together.

Fortunately, it seemed as though Kenji wasn't the only one present despairing at the rocky start their plan had got off to. One of the members, a long-faced, grim-looking man with a mole on his forehead, stepped forwards, waving placating hands. Kenji distantly recognized him as belonging to Okita-taichou's division...but couldn't quite recall his name.

Quick as a whip, the man thrust a hand into his Shinsengumi jacket, yanked out a bottle of—Kenji squinted…was that _hand sanitizer?_—and sprayed a thick cloud of it into the general vicinity of the quarreling friends. It worked a little too well, as Shin and Ryotaro immediately recoiled with gagging noises as the strong odor of alcohol and antiseptic bombarded their olfactory senses.

Oh yes, Kenji thought. Now he knew who this was: Kumanaku Seizou, mastermind behind the Great Edo Toilet Revolution and clean freak extraordinaire. It was a little surprising to see the straight-laced man among their group, but not overly: given that this man was a member of Okita-taichou's division, he was probably one of the more desperate ones that direly wanted this plan to succeed, seeing as he was under the sadistic captain's thumb 24/7.

At least, Kenji mused, he had had the good sense to request Hijikata-taichou's squad upon joining the Shinsengumi. Between a mayonnaise-loving smoker and a sadistic prodigy swordsman who only got meaner when he fell in love, he'd take the first choice any day of the week. Regrettably, however, Okita-taichou's foul mood was affecting all of the men of the Shinsengumi, hence the involvement of several divisions worth of members in this scheme.

Kenji was roused from his thoughts by the commotion that was Shin and Ryotaro, who had apparently once again become friends in the face of adversity (adversity in this case being a spray bottle of hand sanitizer wielded by a neurotic cleaning lady masquerading as a Shinsengumi member).

"What the hell?" Shin and Ryotaro growled in unison, identical glares directed at an affronted Kumanaku.

The man sniffed primly, dusting off his jacket with fussy hands. "Well, you wouldn't stop _fighting_. I had to do _something_, or we'll _never_ get a move on here."

Ryotaro narrowed his watering eyes as he looked hard at the mediator. "Who the heck are you?" He sounded suspicious now.

"He belongs to Okita-taichou's squad, Ryotaro-senpai," Kenji supplied helpfully from the sidelines.

"Okita-taichou's squad? Oi, you're a spy, aren't cha! Gonna report back to him about our plan, you boot-licker?"

Kumanaku squawked indignantly at being accused thusly. "I'm Kumanaku Seizou, as you well know! And I'm certainly no spy."

"Oh…" Ryotaro said with dawning comprehension, his distaste for the supposed traitor being replaced with another sort of disdain. "You're that guy with the Toilet Plan."

"Does everyone remember me just for that?" Kumanaku sighed dejectedly. "I've contributed much more to the illustrious effort to keep the peace and order in Edo!"

"Such as?"

"Well…"

The redhead waved his hand dismissively as the other man floundered. "Anyways, Toilet Man—"

"Don't call me that!"

"—we're busy trying to save our stinkin' hides, from _your_ division captain I might add. Go away and…clean something, I don't know," Ryotaro finished.

Kenji gave the dark-haired man a pitying look. "Sorry, Toilet-senpai," he said apologetically.

"It's not 'Toilet-senpai', dammit! It's Kumanaku!"

Ignoring the man who was practically frothing at the mouth, Kenji looked up at Ryotaro and Shin. "Are we going to go see Kagura-sama now, senpai?" He couldn't deny that he was intrigued about this girl. Since his arrival in the city he'd been exposed to his fair share of Amanto, from the cute and bubbly to the brutal and unsavory. Besides, any girl that could hold her own against their skilled captain, as well as worm her way under his skin to the point where he wanted to make everyone suffer to an equal extent, was well worth meeting.

Ryotaro laughed and patted his shoulder. "Sure thing, kid. Just be ready to run like hell if anything goes wrong." He gazed around at the others. "Part one of the plan is about to commence, men! Onwards and upwards, then!"

And because he was more than a little anxious about the possibilities of invoking the wrath of a girl he had once witnessed tear through a giant, transport terminal-eating alien with her bare fists, he kindly allowed a bouncing Kenji to lead the way.

* * *

After tromping their way up to the second floor that served as the residence of the Yorozuya group, the brave and intrepid men of the Shinsengumi encountered a slight problem: they couldn't find one who was brave and intrepid (and stupid) enough to knock on the door.

Therefore, to be absolutely fair in whichever poor soul was forced at sword point to do so, the members engaged in an on-the-spot game of Jan-Ken-Pon to determine the winner (though unfortunate loser would be a more apt term in this case). However, given that nearly thirty-five men had accompanied Ryotaro on his mission this day, it took a good allotment of time to speed run through enough games to single out an eventual victor.

Finally a shaking man sporting blue hair and a blue goatee was chosen, and with absolutely no compulsion (other than a few dozen swords and a bazooka pointed at his back for _encouragement_), he tiptoed up to the door, planted a piddling little knock on it, and fled back to the relatively security of his cohorts.

Despite the tall tales Kenji had been hearing from his fellow warriors about Kagura-sama, he was a little skeptical about the skittish fear they were all displaying. After all, Amanto or not, she was still just a girl, wasn't she?

One second.

Two seconds.

There was a groaning, drawn out creak as the door slid shakily open, a low but audible mutter of "Gin-chan _really_ needs to fix that thing", and then the slim figure of a girl emerged from the darkness of the hall behind her. Blinking rapidly at the sudden onslaught of sunlight on her vision, the girl turned her attention onto the group of Shisnengumi huddled as far as was physically possible from the door, her eyes widening in puzzlement.

Hidden safely behind his much taller companions, Kenji allowed himself to unabashedly stare at the girl who had answered the door, his curiosity raging through him like a wildfire.

Almost instantly, he felt his cheeks heat up slightly in a blush, his mouth falling agape as he observed the female that had apparently been the cause of Okita-taichou's late frustrations and the root of the overabundance of torturous training they had been subjected to.

She was small in stature and petite in the most charming way, giving her an overall air of natural innocence. Pale, delicate skin peeked out from under the red silk _cheongsam_ and pants she wore, appearing as though it was soft and smooth to the touch. He glanced up to her hair, which he discovered was indeed pink, of all colors, just as the others had claimed. However, it was such a pretty shade, one that made him think of Springtime and the blossoming trees back home, and fell in a glossy sheet down to the small of her back that one quickly forgot the oddness of it.

But it was only when Kenji saw her eyes that he completely understood why his captain was so besotted with this girl. They were the clearest, purest shade of blue, one reminiscent of the cloudless skies on bright winter days. Strength and resolve emanated from their firm depths—it was a gaze that Kenji felt could soften even the hardest of humans and bewitch sadistic Shinsengumi captains.

She was lovely.

She was _beautiful._

She…opened her mouth and abruptly decimated all of his rosy, fanciful thoughts about her.

"Oh man, it's _you_ guys again, uh-huh…what the hell do you want _now_?" She intoned rudely, folding her arms and giving them a flat stare. "Someone turn into an otaku again? Internal power struggle resulting in a coup? The Smoker being roped into an alien gorilla marriage? Seriously, d'ya guys really have to come running to Gin-chan every time there's trouble?" The girl cocked her head to the side, scoffing to herself. "Feh, it's probably because you have such an ineffectual bastard of a captain."

A deep scowl overtook her face at the mention of Okita-taichou, and Kenji had to gulp at the way her hands flexed. It looked as though she was preparing to wring somebody's neck. Most likely his captain's.

Where violent tendencies were concerned, so far as he could tell, Kenji was beginning to think Okita-taichou and Kagura-sama were a match made in heaven.

Uneasy silence rang deafeningly among the assorted members, all of whom cast unsure, sideways glances at another. Now that they were actually confronted with the she-demon herself, nobody quite seemed like they wanted to be the first to approach her.

Simultaneously, they all took one small step backwards, leaving an unsuspecting Shin standing out in front.

It took only an instant for him to glance over his shoulder, a disgruntled glower aimed at his loyal compatriots who were all too willing to toss him as a sacrifice to the proverbial monster.

"Hey, one of you guys better hurry up and say something," the pink-haired girl drawled. She eyed them for a moment, a mischievous grin playing on her lips. "Me and Shinpachi have to get back to figuring out how to get the Gorilla shipped off to a zoo so we can have his big sister back, uh-huh."

Kenji _really_ hoped she was just kidding. Poor Kondo-san—_this _was the family he had married into?

"Kagura-sama…" Shin stepped forwards sounding completely unaffected even when faced with the full force of the pink-haired girl before them. "You're right—the aid of the Yorozuya is why we're here. But we're actually in need of _your_ help, not Sakata-san's."

_Smooth, Shin-senpai,_ Kenji thought to himself as he noticed the interested look gleaming in Kagura's eye. Next to him, Ryotaro's tensed form slumped a little as some of the nervousness slipped out of him.

"My help, hm?" The pink-haired girl mused, appearing slightly less inclined to slam the door in their faces.

There were vigorous nods from the surrounding group.

"Indeed," Shin affirmed quietly, giving her the barest sliver of a smile. "This is something only you can aid us with."

Well, it wasn't as though that was a _lie_. They wouldn't have been asking the Yorozuya leader to marry their captain, after all.

Kagura was already beginning to puff up with pride, a cock-sure grin that lacked smugness and a bright-eyed gaze replacing the formerly annoyed one. Kenji had to admit, she looked almost _cute_ with such eagerness adorning her face—he could almost forget her unfeminine way of speaking and rather boyish tone.

Tapping a finger speculatively on her aesthetically curved lips, Kagura asked, "So what kind of job are we talking here, uh-huh?"

"Uh…" Shin stalled, momentarily stumped. Because really, how exactly did one say 'the type of job that will bind you to a sadistic captain for life, hahahaha'?

Luckily for him, Kagura was already happily chattering and filling up the gap in conversation caused by Shin's uncertainty. With an impressive speed and shrewdness that was at odds with her delicate appearance, she spouted off question after question.

"Does it pay well?"

"…yes." Okita-taichou _was_ well-paid by the Bakufu government, after all. Wouldn't marrying him mean she'd have equal access to her husband's funds?

"Will it take me very long to get it done?"

"Not…really." Weddings didn't take all that long, right? Shin thought, proving just how much of a poor, deluded male he really was. Shin wasn't overly familiar with the procedure, but how much time could saying a quick 'I do' and mashing a kiss to your spouse's lips take really?

"Do I get to beat anyone up, uh-huh?"

Shin blanched, wondering if it would help his cause anymore if he promised she could pulverize Okita-taichou to her heart's content, so long as she married him. However, he eventually decided against it—encouraging domestic violence was just in poor taste, particularly when one of the partners was a Yato with peerless strength. "No, sorry."

An abrupt trill of panic coursed through him when he caught sight of her face falling, a petulant frown beginning to creep across it.

"And in addition to your pay," Shin said hastily, thinking fast. He reached back into the crowd of Shinsengumi and plucked out a flailing Kumanaku, plopping the terrified man at Kagura's slipper-clad feet. "This guy will clean your house for free."

Kagura's mouth formed a tiny 'o' of delight, and she clapped her hands. "Wah, like a two-for-one deal at the supermarket!" She nodded decisively to herself, and slid the door to the Yorozuya headquarters a little wider. "Okay, you can all come in, yup. You can tell me the specifics there."

Before the first person could enter the house, her cheerful voice rang out again, but this time tinged with something slightly more sinister. "Oh, and on the off chance you guys are up to any funny business, I'd forget about it right now. I have man-eating plants growing from the ceiling, booby traps on the floor, and a super cute little puppy who's very protective." Her blue gaze wandered over the shocked faces of the Shinsengumi, before meeting Kenji's horrified brown eyes with a toothy grin.

"So then, welcome in!" With that she turned and skipped through the doorway, disappearing down the hall.

With only a brief hesitation, and fervently praying that this girl just had a very warped sense of humor, Kenji trailed after the others and went into the lion's den with none too little trepidation.

* * *

"Please marry Okita-taichou, Kagura-onee-sama! We beg of you!"

Kagura stared blankly at the crowd of uniformed members pathetically bowed down before her, the chorus of voices frantically pleading. She absentmindedly tapped a cherry lollipop against her closed mouth as she surveyed them from her seat on the couch, still slightly unsettled from the experience of having about three dozen Shinsengumi knock on her doors before pouring into the house after she'd invited them inside under the impression that they had work for her.

Work was good, because work equaled pay and pay equaled food. Lots of food. Jobs had been slow lately, and she was _tired_ of eating nothing but white rice and fish.

And hell, they'd even offered to throw in a free house cleaning. Even Shinpachi couldn't say no to that!

Once in the Yorozuya's meeting/living/dining/recreation room, the blue-clad men had immediately fell into professional formation, stiffly standing in line after line before her.

Wary, thinking maybe she'd been duped, and in the not-unwarranted expectance of an imminent attack, she had immediately readied her fists and Sadaharu had loyally positioned himself beside her with ripping snarls and bared teeth (Gin-chan was drooling in a deep sleep beside her on the couch)…

…only to find herself being assaulted by a barrage of beseeching voices, rather than a flurry of fists. She had watched, stricken rather dumb, as the men had simultaneously dropped to their knees before her and placed their palms together on the floor in the age-old position of respectful bowing.

And after hearing their heartfelt words, Kagura couldn't exactly lie: she would've preferred that they had just attacked her. At least then she could have emerged from this fight unscathed and unquestionably victorious. Physical altercations were never a challenge for her (except when it came to that one _bastard_), but the realm of things like 'emotions' and 'relationships' and 'marriage' was one she preferred to leave wholly untouched and unexplored.

As in 'half way around the freakin' world' unexplored.

Her?

And…the Sadist?

_This_ was the special job that, apparently, only _she _could fulfill?

For several moments, Kagura could do nothing more than sit, thoroughly stunned. Her mouth opened and closed several times in succession, words stuck in her throat and incredulous laughter not far behind.

Had their request not been so utterly absurd, she _might_ have been tempted to agree to their favor, as they sounded so wretched and pitiful that she _almost_ felt bad for them. Clearly they were on the very edge of desperation, if they had gone through the trouble of tracking her down and personally making the trek to arrive on her doorstep.

And they had even _kneeled down before her!_ She stopped a snicker from making its way past her trembling lips, unable to deny the hilarity of the high-and-mighty Shinsengumi prostrating themselves before her, asking her to _marry their Sadist captain_. Her gaze roved over heads of black, red, brown (she told herself that there was absolutely no twinge of disappointment upon realizing the absence of a specific head of straight, dirty-blonde hair_)_, some of them familiar to her, and some of them not.

But…marriage. To the person who was the bane of her existence, the dust in her eyes, the irritant in her throat that made her want to _hack_ her lungs up just to be rid of it.

Her and Okita-freakin'-Sougo. Well, she only had ONE thing to say to THAT: BWAHAHAHAHA.

Ha.

Ha.

She and Okita, living in domestic harmony? Acting like Otae-san and the Gorilla? She couldn't even _picture_ it, the two of them, the two of them…

All she could really summon to the forefront of her mind was a vague, hazy image of him, with darkened red eyes that regarded her strangely from that tanned, rounded face; a lithe body that was so much taller than her, much to her eternal infuriation; a warm, calloused swordsman's hand that encircled her wrist almost softly…the sensations caused an unnatural warmth to flood her body, making her cheeks heat up uncomfortably.

Dammit, she must loathe that Sadist so much, it made her entire being want to burst into wrathful flames! Really, that was the only logical conclusion thinking of that jerk-face made her feel all hot inside. Plus, he had essentially called her a _childish little girl_ in their last meeting. There was no way that snarky bastard was the one behind this ridiculous little proposal, seeing as the last thing he would want would be a _little kid_, she fumed resentfully.

…Dammit, she hated him!

And dammit, she needed to stop thinking about him! Thinking about him was _bad bad bad_.

"Er…Kagura-sama?" Kagura blinked as one of the prostrated men spoke up hesitantly, his long red hair falling over his shoulder when he raised his head to look at her. "Just so you know, you wouldn't have to marry Okita-taichou right away. We're perfectly fine if you just want to date him first."

The man offered her a smile, clearly believing that her silence had merely been due to female shyness at the thought of getting married.

She stared at him, and after a moment the smile slid off the man's face.

Obviously, she seethed to herself with narrowed blue eyes, these men were under the impression that she was interested in their Prince of Sadists. Kagura bit down sharply on an edge of her lollipop and heard it crunch slightly, idly imagining that it was Okita's stupid head. She had absolutely no idea where these guys were getting their information from, or _what_ had possessed them to try and beg such a stupid favor from her, but she was sure as hell wasn't about to let them walk out of here before thoroughly dispelling their delusions.

Because there most certainly wasn't a shared future in store for her and that man—no white picket fences, no cats or dogs (hell, who knew if that Sadist was into eating cute, furry animals or not?), and no chubby little children running helter-skelter through a little house (god, she really _pitied_ whatever poor woman was finally entrapped into bearing that guy's demon spawn: he'd probably train 'em all to be miniature automatons who obeyed his every whim).

She was startled from her turbulent inner musings when, next to her, now rudely woken up from his nap on his fraying couch from the voices, Gintoki was staring bleary-eyed at the gathered mob of navy blue suits in his living room, wondering when the hell his house had been infested with a swarm of what looked like blue monkeys kneeling pitifully before a bemused Kagura.

"Eh…marriage?" He muttered sleepily, voice muffled by the JUMP still on his lower face. He stirred slightly again, the world coming in and out of focus.

The Shinsengumi members sent nonplussed glances at each other, before looking at the Yorozuya _danna_ with a wary unease.

Past experiences had shown him to be quite protective of his only female teammate—would the man put up a strenuous fight to keep Kagura-onee-sama from the clutches of Okita-taichou? Oh dear god, would he brutally take up his ominous wooden sword that spelled certain, inescapable death for all that opposed him, and slay them all for their impertinence? After all, this was the demonic man that had single-handedly defeated both Hijikata-san in fair combat, and Kondo-san in not-so-fair combat! He had effortlessly swooped in and rescued the Shinsengumi from otaku vice captains and traitorous factions; had dueled against the dreaded Kihitei pirates and Amanto of all shapes and sizes, the man who had—!

"Oi, no way Kimiko-chan…I told you before, I'm saving myself for the weather lady…" Gintoki grumbled incoherently, dazedly picking his nose with half-closed dead fish eyes.

"Not you, Gin-chan, me," Kagura corrected him cheerfully, favoring him with a fond little smile she reserved especially for her best friend. She leaned over and gently wiped away some flecks of drool off his chin in a motherly gesture. As though speaking to a hapless five-year-old, she assured him protectively, "Go back to sleep, ok? I'll make that skanky Kimiko-chan stay far, far away where she can't stalk you anymore, uh-huh."

Gin's eyes were already closing blissfully, the magazine already being slid back into its proper position over his eyes, shielding them from the dim ceiling lights. "Aa, you do that…thanks…Kagura…"

And with that, he promptly rolled over and resumed his loud, wheezing snores.

A collective breath of relief was released from the men still frozen on Gin's floor, now that their lives were no longer flashing before their eyes, heralded by over-protective parental figures.

However…

"No."

Kagura's girly voice sliced through the relief like a knife, essentially causing it to crumble into little pieces of despair as it became apparent she was answering their plea with a refusal.

"EHHH?"

The pink-haired girl smirked to herself—clearly they hadn't really entertained the scenario in which she might actually _refuse_ to marry that sadistic pain-in-the-ass who claimed the spot of her ultimate rival. She calmly licked the lollipop held captive in her hand. "You heard me: I said nope. Nada. Nuh-uh. No way."

"B-but, Kagura-sama-!"

She sighed theatrically. "Maaan, it takes forever to get through to you guys, doesn't it, yup. Have you _seen _your captain? The only girl who'd date and/or marry him would have to be blind, deaf, dumb, and a masochist to boot." She paused thoughtfully, and the men of the Shinsengumi allowed themselves a small glimmer of hope.

"Too bad I'm none of those. Stop trying to pawn that psychopath off on me, uh-huh." And that hope was promptly decimated by a smiling, pink-haired she-demon twirling a red candy in her mouth.

Ryotaro and Shin exchanged panicked looks. They'd agreed to stay mum on the subjects of their captain's evident (to them, at least) love for her, the torturous evening training sessions that were now becoming routine _because _of that aforementioned unfulfilled love, and basically anything besides begging her to marry their captain, hopefully stirring any latent feelings lying within this girl and spurring her into action.

But this entire ordeal was quickly morphing into something hopeless. From the blatant rejection in this girl's face and voice, they weren't entirely sure there were any latent feelings to even be had.

They wilted simultaneously. _Crap._

The wobbly voice of their underling jerked them from their rapid spiral into hopelessness. "K-K-Kagura-sama, _please_. Y-you c-can't even g-give Okita-taichou a c-chance?" Kenji asked tremulously, clearly entertaining the stories of this petite young woman reducing monstrous structures into rubble with her fists and fearing that she would bestow upon him a similar treatment. "I mean…you c-can't think he's all _that _bad."

Kagura bristled, resolutely ignoring the small weakening of her heart at the kid's damnably sensible question. "I already said: _no_. This isn't a very funny joke, uh-huh. Besides, I'm busy. Go find a sadist queen for him to marry." Nope, there was absolutely _no_ twinge of hurt somewhere in her abdomen at that thought. Maybe this lollipop had gone bad. Maybe that's why her stomach was suddenly hurting. Ouch. _Could_ lollipops go bad? Huh.

"And to answer your _other _question, the one relative to his questionable level of goodliness and more probable overwhelming level of badness, I reiterate: are we talking about the same person here, uh-huh?" Her pink tongue flicked out to drag a trail across her lollipop. "Because _I'm_ talking about the asshole who regularly taunts me, never fails to pick a fight with me, and has freaky red eyes that creep the hell out of me."

She decided not to say that she returned the taunting and fighting with equal enthusiasm, making sure to give as good as she got, and that his deep brown eyes that glinted reddish in the sun were strangely beautiful. Because she _did not like _Okita Sougo, and coming to his defense in any fashion was duly against her principles. It ranked right up there with kicking puppies and eating any form of food that could be considered healthy.

"Besides," she sniffed to her attentive audience. "I couldn't ever marry him, because that jerk killed Sadaharu Number 28!" Her eyes quickly misted, and then turned watery at the remembrance of her beloved pet.

"Um," someone asked. "What's a Sadaharu?"

Almost indignant that anyone had to ask, she pointed at the giant dog watching keenly from where he was curled up. "_That's_ a Sadaharu, you idiot!"

"But…he looks very much alive," Ryotaro mentioned weakly, casting a wary glance at the monstrous creature that, in his opinion, could hardly be called a dog, and definitely not the 'cute little puppy' that Kagura-sama had purported him to be. "Not dead at all."

This was, apparently, quite the wrong thing to say to Kagura.

"Of course he's not dead, uh-huh!" She snapped, gritting her teeth together. Her blue gaze darkened with fury as she slammed one fisted hand into the palm of the other. Ranting, she went on, "That's Sadaharu Number 27! Sadaharu Number 28 was brutally _murdered_ by your captain, hence one of the many, many reasons on a very long list why I'd never marry that bastard!" Kagura buried her face miserably into her hands, her silky pink hair sliding forwards to create a curtain.

The Shinsengumi men exchanged stricken looks, tinged with a healthy amount of sweaty worry. Their captain had killed this girl's pet? Dear god, didn't Okita-taichou know that girls valued their precious pets beyond all else, even men? The relationship hadn't even begun yet and already their captain had marks in the "ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN" category in the do's and don'ts of dating.

"I'll _never_ forgive him, never!" Kagura wailed out, transforming into the very paragon of despair. "It's all his fault that I got so excited at the beetle sumo matches that I crushed darling Sadaharu! My poor, poor little dung beetle!"

Simultaneously, the members face-faulted onto the floor.

"Wait just a damn minute!" Ryotaro exclaimed, his eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hair with surprise. He sat up a little, fixing Kagura with a gawking look of disbelief. "You're tellin' me that 'Sadaharu' was a _dung beetle?_ A freakin' bug that ninety-nine percent of us would step on and not give a crap about afterwards?"

There was a low groan from Kenji, one that was immediately mirrored from the rest of the men, and something that sounded oddly like "Ryo's big mouth strikes again" from Shin.

Kagura was on her feet in an instant, drawing herself up to her full height (which was, admittedly, not much). "Maybe you're as heartless as your stupid captain, uh-huh," she snarled, cracking her fingers in a threatening motion that had all the bowed men instantly quivering. "But I'm not. Just to prove it, I'm gonna give you guys exactly four seconds to clear out, before I give you a firsthand look at what a totally pissed off Yato girl looks like."

She received blank, uncertain looks from the men gathered before her. Obviously, she smirked to herself, there was some question about the validity of her warning. She heaved an inward sigh of despair, wondering _why_ people never took her seriously until she'd whacked them over the head with her fists or riddled them with holes from her umbrella. Dammit, maybe the Sadist was right about her childish looks after all?

Shaking her head, she resolutely put it from her mind. Why dwell on unhappy things when she had a group of sitting ducks she could easily take her frustrations out on instead? Smiling at them sweetly, she began, "One."

"Wait, please just-!"

"Two." Somewhere off to her side, Gin-chan gave a deafeningly noisy snore.

It seemed, Kagura noted with a wicked thrill of pleasure, that they had unanimously decided to take her seriously. The Shinsengumi were already trying to scramble up, but were foiled by their own knees and legs, which had gone to sleep from the length of time they had maintained their kneeling positions. Kagura had to admit, it was rather funny to watch them tripping over each other in the largest display of buffoonery she'd witnessed since Shinpachi had tried (and failed) to confess his love to Otsu-chan.

"Three," she sang out happily, waving her depleted lollipop in the air like a musical baton.

Ryotaro gave her a wide-eyed look as he dodged a flailing elbow that nearly clipped his head. "H-hey, Kagura-sama, you can't be serious! Just give this whole thing a second thought, ya know!"

A loud, aggravated sigh came from her. Evidently the Sadist's minions would not be turned down so easily. She didn't want to hear anymore-all of these exasperating twinges and stirrings of feelings were really beginning to grate on her nerves. It was her day off! She didn't want to be irked with incessant thoughts of her insufferable rival in the scant free time she had!

"Four," she said finally, the word ringing out like a harbinger of doom (which, for the Shinsengumi, it was). "Time's up, uh-huh."

"Sadaharu," she intoned sweetly, catching her precious pet's attention. She lazily waved a hand at the gathered horde of men. "Attack."

If the dog had been human, he would have been mischievously grinning at the palpable horror of the Shinsengumi members. With a bark and a pounce, he happily obeyed his mistress.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA H!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, the now-bedraggled and decidedly worse for wear Shinsengumi men were limping through the streets. Audible groans and loud curses regarding the canine species rent the air, causing passerbys to give them strange looks and cross to the other side of the street. If the Shinsengumi hadn't had a bad enough reputation before, then the sight of them tramping across town with ripped uniforms and bruised faces certainly was only going to add to their brutish image.

Hijikata-san was going to _kill_ them if he was forced to hire a cutesy pop idol as Captain for a day in order to do image damage control again. Or make them eat his special mayonnaise cuisine, which was just as bad. One of his dishes could send a man sprinting to the bathroom after merely a mouthful, never again to emerge.

From his place beside him, Shin wrinkled his nose as Ryotaro miserably tried to dislodge the dog saliva that was clinging stubbornly to his hair, having had his head completely swallowed by that monstrous creature's mouth.

"Ryo, mind _not_ getting that stuff on me?" Shin asked distastefully, agilely ducking as Ryotaro glared and purposefully threw a handful of the clear goop in his direction. There was a loud _squelch_ as it smacked into the face of whatever poor soul had been behind him.

"Don't be such a girl, Shin-_chan_," was the grumbled reply from the redhead. "And speaking of girls, was anyone actually _aware_ of the fact that she had a giant behemoth masquerading as a freakin' dog at her beck and call? Because that would have been really helpful to know in advance, strategically speaking."

There was a collective shake of the head from all the miserably plodding members, making Ryotaro sigh. "Thought not."

"Well, I suppose that's it for us," Shin said morosely, glancing darkly back over his shoulder at the Yorozuya headquarters rapidly shrinking into the distance. "Unless, of course, you have any more utterly _brilliant _ideas, Ryo?"

"I—"

"We're giving up," Kenji interrupted incredulously, head swiveling from one man to the other. "Just like that?"

"Oi, I—"

"Of course," Shin answered him, easily overriding Ryotaro's attempted words. "The girl obviously has no feelings other than dislike for Okita-taichou, Okita-taichou would sooner confess his undying love for a rock before he would to Kagura-sama, and this entire foolhardy plan was doomed to failure from the very first moment someone opened their mouth and said 'I have an idea'."

An indignant expression flashed across Kenji's boyish face, his mouth screwing downwards into a frown. "Hey! That was me!"

"My apologies, Kenji. Nevertheless, I stand firm that the fact of the matter is this: we're working with an obdurate, sadistic captain and an unpredictable teenage alien who probably wouldn't recognize love even if it danced naked before her." Shin exhaled noisily, tilting his head back to stare vacantly at the sky. "This endeavor is pointless."

There were scattered murmurs of disheartened assent through the ranks, causing Ryotaro's eyes to widen drastically with panic and the realization that his plan was resoundingly crashing about his ears.

"Wait just a damn minute, men!" Ryotaro burst out, sprinting forwards a little and pivoting sharply on his heel. He threw his arms out wide in a desperate arc, stopping the grumbling Shinsengumi in their tracks. "We can't let ourselves be discouraged by this one small setback, ya know? I mean, come on! Didn't you _see_ the longing in her eyes? Couldn't you just _hear _the love in her voice as she spoke of our captain?"

"You mean when she called him a sadist? Or that other time she called him a sadist? Or wait…maybe it was when she called him a psychopath?" One of the members deadpanned. "Gee, I must have missed it, Ryotaro."

That earned the man a ferocious glare from the saliva-coated redhead, and he wisely shut up.

"Even so," Ryotaro said with a glower at the cowards before him. "Have you all forgotten the solemn Shinsengumi motto of 'Never give up!'"

Kenji's face had confusion written plainly upon it. "I thought it was 'Pander to the whims of the Bakufu, don't steal Hijikata-san's cigarettes, and make sure Kondo-san doesn't get conned'?" He questioned, flushing when he received more than one nonplussed stare. "What!" He said defensively, his young voice squeaking. "I read the handbook, okay!"

"Regardless of what the handbook says," Ryotaro growled, placing a hand on his hips. "What's more important is the duty impressed upon our bloody, beating hearts!" He thumped his chest for effect, and ignored the small "_Ew_" that Kenji whispered at the vivid imagery. "And that is, as Shinsengumi, we're required to do everything in our power to save this great nation from destruction and help the less fortunate, right?"

A couple of half-hearted "Yes's" were grumbled.

"Therefore, if we abandon this mission and allow Okita-taichou's negative energy to keep building up in such a way, it's only a matter of time before he finally kills us all with training and then razes this city to the ground as a byproduct of denied love!" He stared down all of the suddenly apprehensive faces. "Time is of the necessity—we have to act quickly in order to fulfill our duties to the people and prevent the coming Love-Love Apocalypse!"

"Love-Love Apocalypse?" Shin fought to keep a straight face as he rolled his eyes. "Ryo, don't you think that's rather far-fetched? Okita-taichou's in love, not crazy."

"Shut up, Shin," was the immediate reply. "And besides, is there really a difference between love and insanity? I think not."

"Shin-senpai, I don't think we should give up just yet," Kenji piped up, worry shining in his expression. "After all, Ryotaro-senpai's right: we wouldn't want Okita-taichou to completely lose it if he can never be with Kagura-sama." He turned to the others for support. "Right guys?"

Kenji's plain and simple statement received more enthusiastic "Yes's" than Ryotaro's wide-eyed babbling had. Even Shin exhaled noisily and gave a reluctant, but agreeing, "Hn."

"Alright, then," Ryotaro said with a small sigh of relief at the fact that his incredibly fantastical speech hadn't been met with resounding boos. "Now that _that's _settled, for the next part of the plan I'm going to have to ask for all your money."

Happily unaware of the sudden death glares being projected at him from each and every member, bar none, he pumped his fist in the air and grinned.

The rest still reeling unpleasantly from his request, as well as entertaining grim thoughts of tarring and feathering the redhead in a well-deserved act of mutiny, Ryotaro was the only one wearing such a look.

"Operation Materialistic Enticement of Kagura-sama is now in effect!"

* * *

**Thank you all so, so much for your reviews on the first chapter! I've read each and every one, and you all made me smile like an idiot with your kind words. I was relieved that everyone seemed to enjoy my OCs and the story itself. I'm going to try and update this about once a week, probably around Friday, so check back okay?**

**Oh, and a big thank you to Niente de Nada for directing me to a very helpful flow chart of the Shinsengumi divisions; it's been a while since I watched Gintama and my memory was a bit rusty. Kumanaku Seizou was put in here as per a suggestion in her review—I suggest you all go and watch Episode 113 if you haven't seen it already and want more background on the "Toilet Revolution"…that episode cracks me up. **

**I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this chapter :)**


	3. Attempt 2

trial and error

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Attempt #2: Bribery (Otherwise known as "The Shinsengumi Go Flat Out Broke All for the Sake of Love")**

At the Main Headquarters of the Edo Shinsengumi, it was quiet.

Very quiet.

Almost suspiciously quiet, in fact.

And as he aimlessly wandered the halls, First Captain Okita Sougo was one such person to notice the glaring lack of sounds that were usually to be found in a place inhabited by copious amounts of raucous, energetic men. Normally those aforementioned sounds would be things like loud shouting matches over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, noisy burps and other such rude bodily emissions, and cries of pain from impromptu wrestling competitions.

But there were none.

While normally Okita would have relished in the preternatural peace that had apparently befallen the headquarters, today he was rather missing the lack of distinct distractions to divert his troubled mind.

His mental restiveness and preoccupation with certain…things…was becoming far too commonplace for comfort recently, and when combined with his newfound inability to sleep more than a few intermittent hours each night, as well as his lackluster appetite, Okita's mood was rapidly spiraling downwards into the realm of foulness.

That mood had only further degenerated when he had finally come to a sneaking suspicion of what, exactly, was ailing him.

It hadn't taken much of his considerable genius to arrive at a conclusion as to the source of his irritable temperament, given that the aforementioned source made it a near daily point to bulldoze her way into his life in one way or the other. While this wasn't anything new, given past contests of ultra Jan-Ken-Pon at cherry blossom festivals, beetle sumo matches, and her general love of using him as her own personal punching bag, Okita would have had to been blind, deaf, and utterly dumb not to notice the damnable _feelings_ that had begun bubbling like a freaking ulcer in his stomach anytime he happened upon her now.

The fact that the brush of her skin against his during their commonplace and often impromptu sparring matches could leave a burning trail behind; that her laugh, clear, fearless, and colored by exultation, was enough to elicit a desire to respond similarly; that she infuriated him to the point of simply wanting to press the China girl, pink hair and all, against a wall and kiss the hell out of her—the sudden barrage of these realizations had brought on a resulting bout of deep denial and the desire to punch something very, very hard (usually any unlucky foot soldier who happened to be crossing his path when said desire occurred).

That the cause of his supposed sickness was a short, pink-haired, volatile alien with a mouth filthy enough to make a sailor blush hadn't done much to improve his disposition—just made him wonder if something heavy had fallen on his head in recent past and caused irrevocable brain damage. Perhaps the others had begun to think the same of his erratic, irritable behavior, because in the past few weeks Okita had been on the receiving end of quite a few concerned inquiries as to his mental health.

And considering that he had never quite been the poster boy for sanity, it must have been rather obvious that something was terribly wrong to prompt such intervention.

Kondo-san, despite his best efforts and concern for the man he viewed as his younger brother, thankfully hadn't managed to drag much out of him. Hijikata-san had politely (and with a smirk) suggested that he go and see a psychologist; Okita had politely (and with a smirk) introduced Hijikata-san's face into the wall. While that hadn't resolved any of his inner turmoil, it _had_ vastly improved his day.

Only for a short time of course, because then _she_ had randomly turned up during his patrol with her damnably big blue eyes and challenging smile, and with the return of the stupid gut-clenching feeling that always seemed to accompany the sight of her so too had his day gone straight to hell.

However, Okita had blessedly happened upon the perfect cure to the galling feelings that insisted upon plaguing him: taking it out on the Shinsengumi underlings. Mainly in the form of prolonged and rigorous training sessions, but he wasn't above using one or two for bazooka practice if he was feeling especially temperamental.

Because if he had to suffer from some cruel psychological trick of nature (or, what ordinary human beings normally call _love_), he was damn well going to make sure that he wasn't the only one suffering.

Hence his current search for the conspicuously absent men of the Shinsengumi.

Okita resolutely shoved each and every troublesome thought of that girl out of his mind as his senses were pricked with the rewarding sound of what were unmistakably _voices_. _Voices_ which inevitably meant that there were _bodies_ that came attached…_bodies_ that he could exert his recent frustrations upon through therapeutic, relaxing (at least for him) training sessions.

A half-smile, anticipatory and wholly blood curling to anyone that might have viewed it, curved upon his lips.

* * *

The steady murmur of voices were emerging from a room several paces down the hall. As Okita approached the doorway with lazy strides, faint snatches of frenetic, heated conversation floated out with increasing intensity, and he paused idly against the doorframe to listen to it.

"Dammit, Ryo, you used it _all?"_

"My money…my poor, poor money."

"Your money? Those were my life savings!"

"I'm _never_ going to be able to propose to Chiya-chan now…"

"Two tons. You _bought two tons of this stuff?_"

"Oi, I told you all this was part of the plan, suck it up and stop acting like—ACK! Shin, get off me!"

"S-shin-senpai, don't kill Ryotaro-senpai! He's your best friend!"

"_Was_, my best friend, Kenji. _Was. _Past tense."

"G-rumph-ahck-blehhh!"

"Heeey, Shin-san, I think the idiot redhead is trying to say something. Loosen your hands on his neck for a second."

"Hn. Yamazaki-senpai, unless this guy's saying 'Please forgive my unworthy, miserable wormlike existence', I really couldn't care."

"Isn't it tradition to let your opponent have a last request though? Shin-senpai, you really should observe common courtesy."

"Bl-eck-urrrrr!"

"See? Even Ryotaro-senpai agrees!"

"Hmph."

There was a loud thud, the age old sound associated with a body being unceremoniously dropped onto the floor, and that was when Okita decided to unearth just what the hell was going on in there. While he, personally, could care less about whether or not the underling idiots murdered one another, Kondo-san was rather less forgiving about it.

For some reason, beyond his understanding, Kondo-san was _fond_ of them. And letting Kondo-san down was one of the few things in this world Okita was loathe to do.

Okita propped himself up against the doorway, cocking his head to the side as he observed the spectacle in the room teeming with Shinsengumi in varying states of moping, depression, anger, and abject misery. Behind the rabble of blue suits and flying fists, there was a veritable mountain of boxes stacked nearly as high as the ceiling and halfway across the length of the room. Okita raised an eyebrow as he absorbed all of this, staring blankly at the men who took no notice of their captain's presence at the threshold.

"Yo," he drawled out at last, deriving immense pleasure from the subsequent terror that flickered on every face, the immediate freezing of everyone's bodies, and a hush that was more befitting for a funeral that ensued. The ashen pallor currently coloring each man's visage, Okita decided with only the barest moment of consideration, was the stark hue of _guilt. _

Caught-in-the-act guilt.

He took one predatory step into the room, and then another, making note of the way in which each person flinched with every approaching movement. A slow, crooked smile played upon his lips as he stalked towards them, a hungry, restless cat toying with its fearfully spasmodic prey.

One of the uniformed men twitched, as though preparing to make a break for it, before abruptly reverting to his immobile state when Okita's crimson eyes flicked to him with unnerving keenness. The message was clear: _anyone who tries to escape finds themselves skewered like a fish on the end of my blade._

And because no one wanted to have the once-in-a-lifetime experience of what that felt like, everyone sagaciously chose not to try and escape. It was common knowledge, after all, that their captain had a frightening accuracy and unerring aim when it came to spearing people straight through.

"You guys called a secret meeting without me?" Okita deadpanned, quirking an eyebrow at them as he continued to near. He smiled slightly—and everyone promptly recoiled in response. "I'm hurt."

No one replied.

Brushing past an unabashedly staring young recruit and a petrified redhead, he reached the obscenely large pile of boxes standing out like a sore thumb in the room's center. Ash blonde hair swept back as he tilted his head, wordlessly observing what the members had apparently been squabbling over. Okita removed one of the boxes from the teetering pile with deft hands, gaze skimming disinterestedly across the label. "This is sukonbu."

Once again, no one replied. Talking to Okita-taichou was rather like trying to make it through a mine field without having the misfortune to step on one—you never quite knew where you were in relation to something that was going to explode in your face.

"Anyone care to tell me why the hell there's suddenly a warehouse of his stuff here? This crap's not healthy for a samurai's body, after all." From the blank expression on his face, it couldn't have been more obvious that he really couldn't have cared less about the state of their wellbeing—hence the reason no one was stupid enough to voluntary speak and risk inciting his wrath.

A mock sigh left him as no reply was forthcoming. "Oi, either someone speaks up or I'm volunteering each man here for Hijikata-san's cooking lessons."

Everyone blanched, faces wiped clean of all semblances of careful calm and turning a shaky white in unison. Hijikata-taichou, as everyone well knew from the frequent calls to the fire department, had begun dabbling in the ancient and noble art of cooking, having found an unsatisfying number of dishes including his favorite topping…except unlike the ancient and noble art of swordsmanship, Hijikata-taichou was definitely not blessed with any form of talent, natural or otherwise, in the ancient and noble art of cooking.

Just the ancient and noble art of setting fire to whatever unfortunate kitchenware he set his hands on and the ancient and not-so-noble art of giving food poisoning to whatever unlucky schmuck happened to be his food taster.

Okita stared aimlessly at the ceiling as everyone digested his threat, drawling out, "I'm sure he'll be glad to have a bunch of willing victims…I mean, _students_. Kondo-san tells me he's becoming quite the adept little cook, especially with all those delicious new mayonnaise recipes he's been experimenting with lately." Red eyes glinted as they fell upon the quaking, nauseated men, a wolfish grin twisting on his lips.

"W-wait!" Kenji's voice penetrated the blanket of fear currently smothering each person in the room who wasn't Okita-taichou. "W-we can explain, taichou!"

And explain he would, because Kenji had a mother, five sisters and two brothers back at home who depended on his pay to keep the farm going—how in the world would he be able to provide that support if he were buried six feet deep, bloated with mayonnaise poisoning? It wasn't as though the Shinsengumi offered any sort of life insurance plan in the event of death, given that when you first joined up they provided you with a waiver to sign that exempted them from all responsibility for your probable death in their service…as well as all fees involved with funeral costs.

The Bakafu, run by aliens and situated in the feudal era it may be, still held true to the golden rule of government: don't spend any more than you strictly need to.

A cold drop of sweat ran down the back of Kenji's neck as he attempted to formulate a plausible response. One that would placate the captain waiting patiently (or at least with the well-acted appearance of patience) before him. "U-um," he gulped. "We have all this sukonbu because…well, you see…because…" His eyes roved wildly around the room for inspiration.

He was saved by a timely interjection from Ryotaro.

"Okita-taichou, we have all this sukonbu because—because…" Ryotaro nearly choked under the intense, boring stare of his captain, his eyes jumping frantically from person to person. Clamping a desperate hand on Yamazaki's shoulder (who jumped and nearly dropped his anpan), he finished in a rush, "Because Yamazaki-senpai's suddenly become addicted to it!"

Yamazaki immediately opened his mouth to protest this cruel betrayal of his anpan-adoration, but the protest morphed into a gasp of pain when Ryotaro helpfully drove the heel of his boot into his foot.

Hard.

Eyes watering, Yamazaki was unable to do anything more than offer a half-convincing nod towards a poker-faced and unblinking Okita.

"Hm." Withdrawing his attention from the twitchy and, frankly, _weird_ men in front of him, Okita glanced down and turned the snack box over in his rough hands without really looking at it. He was more preoccupied with the image it evoked, unbidden, in his mind: a young woman happily parading down the streets, a white dog by her side and a piece of green sukonbu hanging comically from her lips.

Unbeknownst to him, his stoic, unreadable gaze softened ever so slightly. _She_ loved this stuff, didn't she?

The softness evaporated immediately upon his realization of the direction his thoughts had inadvertently wandered yet again, and his deep red eyes darkened further. Dammit, he just couldn't escape that pink-haired thorn in his side, could he?

His hand clenched almost reflexively around the snack box, the package protesting with a loud _crunch_ of cardboard. All intentions of Shinsengumi-torturing and training were crushed in the exact same instant—if he didn't get out of headquarters now and find some form of mind-engaging distraction, she was going to be stuck in his head for the entire remainder of the day.

And seeing as it was only nine o'clock in the morning, that was a very long time.

Damn Yamazaki and his ridiculous food addictions.

"New rule, effective immediately," Okita said shortly in his apathetic voice, stuffing his hands deep into his pockets and strolling out of the room. "Anyone caught with that green crap commits sekkupu on the spot."

A fleeting glimpse of a scowling face and stormy eyes were all the Shinsengumi men were afforded as their obviously unbalanced captain rounded into the hallway with a sharp turn of his heel and disappeared.

The bunch of flabbergasted Shinsengumi could only stare after his retreating back, before casting panicked looks at the pile of boxes resting innocently behind them. They all wondered if 'effective immediately' meant they had to whip out their swords and fall on them in disgrace right then. But dammit, nobody really fancied ingloriously dying next to a bunch of dried snacks—they'd be the laughingstock of the Shinsengumi even after death.

After a moment of shocked silence, Ryotaro cleared his throat, waking them all from their stupor-like states. "Er…I'm sure Okita-taichou was just kidding guys, ya know?"

That might have been plausible, if Okita Sougo were known for his marvelous sense of humor. As it was, Ryotaro was merely on the receiving end of some very incredulous looks, Shin's the most vigorously disbelieving.

The redhead's shoulders slumped, apparently realizing that no amount of optimism would be able to thrive in this situation. "Alright, alright. We're just gonna have to get this stuff out of here right away then. Phase two of the plan's being enacted just a tiny bit before schedule." He paused, looking thoughtful. "And at least Okita-taichou didn't find out what we're _really_ up to, ya know?"

"True," Shin agreed somberly, all enmity with Ryotaro momentarily forgotten. "Otherwise our entrails would probably be decorating the room right about now. Remember when we had to remove all the bodies of Ito-sensei's factions from the train?"

Everybody shuddered—while being Shinsengumi meant that one had to have an unnaturally high tolerance for blood, the sight of Okita-taichou's gruesome work had haunted each man that had had the misfortune to lay eyes on the scene. Undoubtedly, as Shin had stated, there would be a similar reenactment should Okita-taichou discover exactly _what_ had been preoccupying the Shinsengumi's time lately.

If his reaction to the sukonbu was anything to go by, this girl seemed to be a rather sore spot for their captain, after all.

Ryotaro exhaled noisily and regarded the boxes. "I guess we'd better get this stuff where it needs to be, then. Okita-taichou won't be happy if he comes back and finds it still here."

There were low murmurs of agreement (not so much in support of Ryotaro's latest scheme, but rather in fear of what Okita-taichou would do to them should he come back and find the reminder of Kagura-sama to still be here). Everyone reluctantly scattered about in preparation of proceeding with the next part of the plan.

"Huh…hey, Kenji? Alright there?" Ryotaro asked, having glanced around for him and finally noticed the boy's statue-like inactivity among the bustle of the other members. He waved his hand unhelpfully before the younger recruit's face.

Kenji smiled slightly in response, staring dazedly at the doorway their captain had just departed through after the realization that had just hit him. "Yeah, senpai," he said softly, the grin audible in his voice. "It's just that…didn't you guys notice? Okita-taichou took the sukonbu box he was holding with him."

And so he had.

* * *

Sakata Gintoki, ex-Joi patriot and sugar freak extraordinaire, stood on his front porch and wondered when the hell his relatively easy going and laidback life had gotten so damned complicated.

Wait. Scratch that.

He knew _exactly_ when the hell his relatively easy going and laidback life had gotten so damned complicated, down to the exact day:

November 3, over one year ago.

In other words, Kagura's sixteenth birthday.

To this day, Gin had absolutely no idea when that shrimpy little loudmouth had grown up, or when she'd finally gained a few inches in height or actually sprouted something resembling breasts on her flat-as-a-board figure (skeptical accusations of stuffing oranges down her outfits hadn't ended well on his part—he still couldn't remember those two days he'd been interned at the hospital as a result of an insulted teenage girl's wrath).

Clueless as ever, he'd detected this abrupt change about the same time that the rest of the male residents of the Kabuki district had begun to take notice as well, and after that damn birthday of hers he and Shinpachi had been just as busy warding off salivating suitors as often as they were beating up shady Amanto or troublesome yakuza gangs.

To the neighborhood boys, Kagura's Chinese outfits had transitioned from 'outlandish and weird' to 'cute', and her girly cadence and quirky way of speaking had become 'ingratiatingly endearing' rather than 'foreign'_._ Though not traditionally beautiful, her pale skin rivaled the painted effect most geisha had to utilize powder to achieve; and once she had actually decided to accept Otae's woman-to-woman advice in regards to growing out her hair, it lost its stringy quality and instead tumbled prettily down her back.

Whether she was aware of it or not, all that girl had to do was crook a finger and most men in a fifty-mile radius would immediately fall at her feet to do her bidding.

It was an ability that Gin found rather annoying.

So, thanks to his subordinate's seriously inconvenient choice to suddenly mature, Gin had recently discovered himself being forced into the untried role of the overprotective father. Pulverizing cherry boys who thought to try their hand at obtaining a cutesy girlfriend to rival those in their RPG games, and scaring the fancy pants off the sleazy cabaret hosts and other scruffy locals who found themselves charmed by the pink-haired girl was fast becoming a redundant pastime.

Man, but what else could he do, really?

Because for all of Kagura's blunt, unfiltered comments and brash behavior, innocence radiated off her like geekiness did off Shinpachi. Gintoki made a mental note to ask that balding old geezer of Kagura's if there were any strange, alien pheromones that Yato possessed that he ought to know about, because this entire situation was quickly degenerating into the ridiculous.

He sighed as he stared mournfully at what had once been his front porch, soaking in the new development that was a testament to exactly _how_ absurd his life was becoming as of late. He was determined to put an end to this, and right now he knew of only one person that could inform him about exactly what the heck was going on…

* * *

"Oi, Kagura! Come here a minute, would you?"

Her eyes briefly flicked from the television program she was currently engrossed in at the sound of Gin's shout, but she lazily dismissed it.

Whatever Gin-chan wanted could most certainly wait; it was far more important to see how this love triangle between Yu-kun and Hina-chan and Mitsu-san was gonna be resolved (Kagura was betting heavily that Hina-chan was gonna bump Mitsu-san off, and then murder Yu-kun for his vast fortune once she got her claws into him) and find out whose love child Kyoko was (pffft, it was _so obvious_ Daisuke-kun had cheated on his wife with the milk maid…there was _always a milk maid)_.

"Ka-gur-a!"

Kagura gasped at the dramatic scene on the television, where Hina-chan was currently threatening to shave her lovely eyebrows off unless Yu-kun left Mitsu-san and returned her love. Idly, she wondered if anyone would care if she decided to shave _her_ eyebrows off. Gin-chan and Shinpachi would most likely just find it hilarious.

And a _certain_ _someone_ she knew would probably tease her until the end of the world, never allowing her to live it down.

Bastard.

"Yo, Kagura! Gin-chan's going to grow old and die out here waiting! You're gonna have to clean up my smelly corpse, just so you know!"

But once again, his call remained unheeded. Her eyes remained unwaveringly glued to the screen, her fingers pressing intensely into her palm and creating little crevices as she was enraptured further and further with the drama.

"_Yu-kun, love me!"_

"_No, Hina-chan, no! Don't do it!"_

"_I…I have to, Yu-kun. Otherwise you'll never leave Mitsu-san, and your money—um—your heart shall never be mine!"_

"_No!"_

"_I will!"_

"_No!"_

"_I will!"_

"No!" Kagura screeched loudly, her shout overshadowing the swooning Hina-chan's, as Gin, clearly weary of waiting for his cohort to respond, came in and easily lifted a spell-bound Kagura off the floor, tossing her over his shoulder none too carefully. The air whooshed out of her lungs, but she recovered sufficiently enough to holler, "Gin-chan, put me down! Hina-chaaaaan! Yu-kuuuun! Wait, Gin-chan, wait! That vicious bitch is gonna trick him for his dough, I just _know _it!"

Gintoki's silver brows furrowed as her wincingly high pitched yells sunk in.

"Eh? Hina-chan? Yu-kun? What the hell do you watch these days, Kagura-chan?" He muttered, effortlessly avoiding her wildly flailing hands as she tried to free herself. "Your brain's going to leak out of your ears one of these days. Kids shouldn't watch crap like that."

She briefly paused in her struggling, sending a look of indignant outrage at him. "Hey! Then what's _your_ excuse for reading stupid JUMP all the time, Gin-chan?"

"Oi, oi, don't insult a fine piece of literary art…"

Kagura scoffed, rolling her eyes. "_Please_, uh-huh. If you're allowed to rot your brain with stupid manga and sweets, then _I'm_ allowed to watch my dramas and eat sukonbu. And…hey! You never say anything about Shinpachi's obsession with Otsu-chan!"

"My brain may be rotting from JUMP, but I'm not _that_ far gone. Don't you remember the last time we tried to stage an intervention?"

Gin and Kagura both paused in a reflective moment of silence, in which both recalled the first (and only) time they had fruitlessly attempted to wean Shinpachi off his beloved music videos and CDs centered around the idol. That day, the famed White Demon of the Anti-Foreigner Wars and the Yato girl with the blood of a thousand mighty warriors running through her veins had learned the true definition of FEAR.

Not that they hadn't been in frightening situations before-they just hadn't known the true meaning of 'fear' was synonymous with a nineteen year old glasses-wearing otaku boy throwing himself into a vicious attack on his coworkers when catching them in the process of trying to sell his precious idol's merchandise on Edo-Ebay (it had been a slow week in terms of work, rent was due, and the electric company was threatening to cut their power off again. Enough said).

The pink-haired Yato and silver-haired samurai gave a collective shudder, hastily pushing the nightmare-inducing incident from their minds.

"So, anyways…"

"Er, yeah…"

Giving up her wiggling, which really wasn't serving much use in Gintoki's iron-clad grip (And really, for a guy that did nothing but laze around sucking on sweet things all day, where the hell did he get all of his strength, Kagura grumped to herself) she sagged, boneless, against him. "Gin-chan, what'd ya need me for anyways?" She complained, tone transcending dangerously into the realm of whining. "Hurry up, 'cause if you make me miss the end of the show I'm gonna be reeeeaaaalllly mad."

She only received a muffled grunt for her trouble.

She sighed heavily to herself, deciding to clarify. Gin-chan's wavy-perm hair seemed to affect his hearing sometimes. "Gin-chan, when I say I'll get reeeeaaaalllly mad, I mean the type of mad where I set fire to every single JUMP in your collection, uh huh."

It was with a satisfied air that she watched her captor picking up the pace by quite a margin, though some of the satisfaction drained when she was unceremoniously dropped on the front porch, an unhappy squeak escaping her as her rump collided with the rough floor boards. How dare he treat a delicate maiden in such a way?

Shooting an indignant look at Gintoki as she rubbed her injured bottom, the angry words coiling within her mouth were cut off by her companion's deadpan voice. "So, mind telling me exactly what the heck _this_ is, Kagura?"

Her eyes followed his pointing finger, and Kagura was horrified when her visible world suddenly turned a thick, opaque green. Even blinking her eyes open and shut rapidly didn't dispel the invasion of emerald upon her vision.

A terrified squeak escaped her, her hands immediately flying up to rub vigorously at her defective eyes.

"Aaah! Gin-chan, my eyes! I've gone blind! Except…huh, I thought if I was blind I wouldn't be able to see anything, but for some reason all I can see is green…Aaah! Gin-chan, I've got a new disease, uh-huh! Green-blindness! I can only see in green! So now everything's gonna look green, uh-huh! Your face, and Shinpachi's and Sadaharu's and the sky and the grass and the leaves and flowers and food and…dammit Gin-chan, this is all your fault for making me eat that spinach last night! I told you that stuff is dangerous! Waaaah, this is all Gin-chan's fault—ouch!"

Kagura's rant was swiftly ended with a sharp rap to the top of her head by Gin's fist. Rubbing his forehead wearily, he told the panicking alien girl, "Oi, you idiot, you don't have green blindness or anything stupid like that. It's obvious a freakin' big pile of _sukonbu_."

Blue eyes blinked in confusion, and then blinked again. Come to think of it…

Kagura looked up at the towering pile of her favorite sukonbu that threatened to topple over at the slightest provocation. It was really no wonder that her entire line of sight had quite suddenly morphed into a world of dark green, considering the wobbling mountain of seaweed snack that was nearly as tall as Gintoki and twice as wide as Sadaharu.

While most people's reactions would have consisted of dumbfounded fainting or frightened wide-eyed stares upon discovering a gigantic heap of their most favored snack food that they could potentially be crushed underneath in the event of an avalanche, Kagura's was comprised of blissful drooling and euphoric panting.

"Waaaah," she exclaimed happily, "I've died and gone to heaven, haven't I, Gin-chan? I mean, I'll be sad to leave you and Shinpachi, but be comforted by the fact I'll spend eternity drowning in sukonbu! Goodbye forever, Gin-chan, goodbye—ouch!"

Gintoki sweatdropped as he smacked her across the head again, trying to bring her back into cold, hard reality. "You aren't dying, idiot."

With a baffled expression and another curious glance at the Great Sukonbu Mountain, Kagura focused on the scowling Gintoki. "Then where'd it come from, Gin-chan?" She suddenly beamed. "Did ya buy all this for me 'cause I'm such an awesome employee, uh-huh? I knew you'd come through one day, you cheapy sugar freak!"

"Hell no. I wouldn't waste my money on this green crap—ouch!" The legendary samurai recoiled from the painful punch bestowed upon his sword arm, courtesy of one annoyed subordinate. And while it hurt his masculinity to admit it was agonizing, he was justified in that punches from Kagura were not quite the same as punches from anyone else, courtesy of that Yato blood inhabiting her veins.

"Don't insult my sukonbu, uh-huh! Gin-chan, you're so…you're so…" Kagura squinted as a formation of neatly arranged sukonbu on the floor caught her attention. "Gin-chan, what's that?"

Rubbing his arm in a wounded fashion (Kagura rolled her eyes at his melodrama—she hadn't hit him _that_ hard…that big silver-haired sissy), he said, "That's what I wanted to ask you."

For upon the floorboards, someone had clearly taken it upon themselves to painstakingly arrange the individual pieces of sukonbu into kanji. It was rather like those messages written in people's blood that they always had in horror movies, except without all the gruesomeness and general grossness. It was a good thing too, since Shinpachi would've had a hissy fit if he'd come back to find his neatly scrubbed floors splattered with red.

And a Shinpachi embroiled in a hissy fit was far scarier than any axe murderer on a third-rate slasher film.

"Why is the sukonbu arranged into words?" Kagura stared at it harder, head tilting this way and that way and lips moving as she made out the green message written upon the ground. "Kagura-sama…please…please…marry…our…captain."

She abruptly halted, her voice shriveling up into nothingness, like water in a desert. A pole-axed look, complete with gaping mouth and widened eyes, stole across her face.

Because seriously, _what the freak?_

'_Kagura-sama, please, please marry our captain?'_ What kind of stupid, useless message was that?

A dark and foreboding expression, uncharacteristic to Kagura, suddenly pervaded her previously cheerful aura. A cracking noise rent the air as she unconsciously dug her fingers into the floor, paying no heed to Gintoki's mournful wail of "Oi, Kagura-chan, don't go breaking Gin-chan's house, you hear!"

_Those bastards_, she fumed inwardly, all of the confusion surrounding the situation dissipating quickly. Given the events of the previous day, it really wasn't all that mentally challenging to deduce the culprits behind this heinous scheme. An unwanted image of a bunch of men bowed before her, sniveling for her to be the sacrificial dating lamb for the wolf that was Okita Sougo, flashed through her mind.

So…they couldn't take 'no' for an answer, could they? Had getting their heads chewed on by Sadaharu not been enough of an indication that she was _not interested_?

Her fingers twitched, and a devious smile lit up her face as she imagined waltzing off to the Shinsengumi Headquarters, purple umbrella in tow, and pounding the clue for them to leave her well enough alone into their thick skulls.

"Um, Kagura-chan?" Gin laughed weakly as he slowly inched away from the deadly atmosphere swirling in the space around the teenage girl.

She was silent for another few moments, unwaveringly staring at the sukonbu pile as though it had personally wronged her. Inwardly, she couldn't _believe_ those baka Shinsengumi men had actually stooped so low. Bribing her with sukonbu, of all things! And after she'd given a huge, resounding NO to their ludicrous request, too! As if a few measly pounds of seaweed snack would be enough to persuade her to be with that…that…irritable, annoying, impossible Sadist who hated her guts with a burning passion and made her insides do funny squelching things when she was near him. Hah!

Kagura's already simmering fury kicked up a few notches into a blue flame of rage.

"Burn it, uh-huh," she advised Gintoki darkly. "_All_ of it. Otherwise we might all come down with whatever plague of evil is in that sukonbu."

Gin raised an eyebrow at her tone, starting in surprise at the refusal of food by the girl with the bottomless stomach. Kagura refusing food was like Katsura working for the Shinsengumi, or Shinpachi using a picture of his beloved Otsu-chan as toilet paper—it went against the natural order of things.

He tapped his chin thoughtfully as he eyed the rejected snack. "Huh…I wonder if this stuff is even burnable?" Then, eyes narrowing, he muttered to himself, "Terrible waste though…wonder how much we could get if we sold it…then again, who else eats this stuff but her…" Sending an exasperated look at the uncharacteristically fuming pink-haired girl next to him, he questioned, "Hey, Kagura, why couldn't you have developed a more refined taste in snacks? Like something we could actually make a buck on, you know?"

"Well, _excuse me_ for being a simple, little girl with childish taste!" She snapped, some of her anger unintentionally making its way into her voice. Immediately she pulled her knees up to her chest, compacting herself until she resembled a pink rubber ball more than a young woman.

Gin's words had echoed _that bastard's_ a little too closely for comfort, renewing the painful twinges of hurt the Sadist had inflicted on her far more efficiently than if he'd simply kicked her through a wall or two. In fact, she might have almost preferred that to essentially being called an immature brat by Okita Sougo—physical pain was easy enough to brush off with her handy healing abilities, but emotional wounds?

Not so much.

She was startled out of her melancholy by a unexpectedly gentle hand that touched upon her hair.

Gintoki had crouched down beside her, sensing that something was terribly amiss—and it wasn't just the ungodly heaping of cheap seaweed littering his front porch.

Gin breathed out in a rather exasperated manner as he knelt on the floor, wondering why his hardheartedness could never withstand looking at Kagura or Shinpachi's depressed faces without causing a sharp twinge of pain in his heart. (Of course, everyone who met the white-haired man quickly figured out within minutes that he had an unbearably soft heart and giving nature, but found that Gin liked to pretend otherwise with his regular façade of blasé indifference.)

Still, though. Sometimes he longed for the days before he'd taken in those two miscreants and been forced into a role of responsibility and caring yet again…but only for an instant, because then Kagura would laugh and hug him with admiration shining in her eyes, or Shinpachi would incessantly lecture him on the evils of sugar but grudgingly smile when Kagura and Gin showed up with telling ice cream mustaches, and Gin would be reminded all over again why he was really better off with these two at his side.

"Hey, come on, Kagura," he grumbled, though without any real grouchiness behind the words. He ruffled her hair in one of his few, rare gestures of affection. "Are you gonna tell Gin-san what this is all about?"

"No."

But he could detect the small hint of weakening in her voice, so he tried again. "Am I going to have to have Lake Toya pay a little visit to those blue-coated bastards?"

Her head lifted at that, and she gave him a surprised look. Gin smiled dryly in return. "Give this old man some credit, Kagura—I'm not entirely blind yet."

"You mean all your sugary parfaits haven't done the job yet, Gin-chan?" Kagura quipped softly, some of the good humor returning to her eyes and the vivacity to her demeanor. "Give it a few years, and I'll even lend Sadaharu to you to help you across the street. At an hourly rate of course, yup."

Gin snorted. "You mean help me into the nearest dumpster and press the 'crush into an unrecognizable trash cube' button. I tell you, that dog has it out for me."

"He only bites you cause he loves you, Gin-chan. I would too, but I think I'd die from blood sugar poisoning if I did."

He whapped her lightly on the head for her cheek, before scratching the back of his curly tangle of hair idly. "So then, which one is it?" He yawned out.

She blinked, perplexity stealing across her face. "Huh?"

"'Captain'. Unless you've suddenly developed a secret romance with a space pirate, I'm guessing it's one of those nosy government dogs."

Kagura tensed, her shoulders stiffening and a disgruntled air settling about her. She began trailing idle fingers through the dirt that had accumulated on the Yorozuya porch, courtesy of one giant dog and one lazy samurai who couldn't be bothered to take his boots off before entering the house. Finally she relented, replying softly, "Its the evil blonde one."

Because really, she could think of no better way to describe the human his wretched underlings were attempting to manipulate her into marrying. And anyways, she flatly refused to say that bastard's name out loud. An evil curse might befall her if she did—one that might make her nose swell to twice its size and her bottom fall off, like in that Late Night Scary Stories to Make You Pee Your Pants' tale she and Gin-chan had heard on the radio last week.

Seriously, she wouldn't put it past that Sadist bastard to have such an ability in his repertoire of skills—she had her doubts as to whether that guy was actually human. Not many people could keep up with a Yato warrior in a serious battle, and yet he somehow managed to do it on a regular basis just fine (Kagura was staunchly reluctant to admit that more often than not he even emerged victorious in those fights).

Gin's face contorted into a look of utmost concentration…which for him essentially meant that he raised an eyebrow. No one had ever accused Sakata Gintoki of having open, dynamic facial expressions, and no one was ever likely to either.

"Oh yeah, that guy…what'shisname…Souichiro-kun?" Gintoki distantly recalled, trying to dredge up the proper name of the man that was Mitsuba-san's little brother…the one who had coerced him into acting as his best friend for the day. All Shinsengumi men seemed to blend together after a while, melding into one large blob of navy blue that continually seemed to either be trying to arrest him or seeking out his help.

Dirty tax-robbing hypocrites.

Kagura smirked. "I think it's 'Sadist-kun', actually."

"No, that's not it…Sonohirogata-kun?" Gin said musingly, rubbing his chin.

"Way off the mark, Gin-chan."

"Sasuke-kun?"

"…you read too much JUMP. It's not healthy for a man your age."

"Oi, I'm in the prime of my life."

"Your grandpa white hair says otherwise, Gin-chan."

"Silver, you brat. It's _silver_."

Caught up in her favorite pastime of 'Gin-chan Teasing', Kagura felt some of the accrued frustration and annoyance that this debacle had literally delivered to her doorstep seep out. She blew out a loud, therapeutic breath, attempting to regain some of her lost composure. Sometimes it was really unsettling how easily any mention of that Sadist bastard could completely destroy her inner calm—which came back full circle to her conviction that that guy had some sort of supernatural powers that he used to affect her like this.

"But a Shinsengumi, eh?" Gintoki snickered lowly after a moment, the childishly mocking sound belying his supposedly mature age. "So they're not just tax robbers anymore, but girl robbers too?"

Kagura's mouth dropped open in horror.

"Hey! There's no 'robbing' of any kind, uh-huh." Kagura exclaimed indignantly, shaking her pink head back and forth with vicious motions and leveling her best friend with a wounded glare. "Do you really think I'd let those bastards make off with my money, Gin-chan?"

The man in question slapped a hand on his face, shoulders shaking with laughter. "That wasn't the type of robbing I was talking about, Kagura-chan."

"Eh?"

"Forget it. You're too young to know—I'll tell you when you're thirty."

She scowled. "I'm already seventeen, you stupid perm head!"

"Details, details."

Kagura rolled her eyes, feeling too lazy to rise to Gin-chan's purposeful baiting, but appreciating his attempt to withdraw her from her sukonbu-induced glumness. She poked half-heartedly at the sukonbu mountain as she considered what was to be done with it, rather afraid that if she touched it for any length of time she'd contract some deadly disease.

Like stupidity of the Shinsengumi brand.

She shivered at the thought.

"Hey, Kagura-chan," Gin, noticing her preoccupation, effectively caught her attention with his solemn tone of voice. "I hope, if nothing else, you learned a lesson from this bribery ruse—this is clearly an example of a lazy, rude try at currying favor. A samurai should never fall prey to weak negotiations such as these." Red eyes gazed steadily, purposefully, at the girl crouched upon the floor.

Kagura looked at him in surprise, feeling a small rush of pride and awe throughout her at the steely, unbreakable principles that Gin-chan refused to deviate from. It was at times like these she could truly see the samurai others revered, the man everyone admired, the person who—

She was patted on the head. "So Kagura-chan, remember that the first rule of life is not to fall for such paltry bribe attempts. Make sure you tell those bastards to pay in gold next time, ok?"

There was silence. A deep, resounding silence.

"Itai! Oi, Kagura, why'd you hit me so hard?! My nose! My nose!"

* * *

"Fresh sukonbu for sale! Fresh sukonbu! Come and geeeeet it, only ten yen a box!"

"Sukonbu! Sukonbu! Get yer fresh sukonbu!"

From the dark shadows of a nearby alleyway, doing what they did best (lurking creepily), a collection of Shinsengumi incredulously watched the oddly matched pair cheerfully ridding themselves of the sukonbu to passer-bys, piece by piece. The man had a bloody, swollen nose, and right beside him was Kagura-sama, shouting out her sales pitch with a jovial voice.

"H-hey!" Kenji exclaimed weakly, his mouth falling open with shock. "They're _selling _our bribe!" He paused. "Can they _do_ that?"

Ryotaro surveyed the scene through narrowed eyes, cursing softly to himself. "Dammit, she's a worthy opponent. We clearly underestimated her moral character."

"Either that or we overestimated your brain, Ryotaro," his ever-loyal best friend commented.

"Shut up, Shin!"

With an absentminded motion, Ryotaro dragged his fingers through his fiery hair, redirecting his attention onto the white-haired samurai and shorter companion. So, he contemplated, this girl couldn't be swayed through heartfelt pleas, and bribes held absolutely no effect on her either?

If it hadn't been blaringly evident before, it was now irrefutably obvious that Kagura-sama was no human.

Unaffected by his fuming companion, Shin inattentively examined his nails and said, "I have to say, you really fail at kindling romantic feelings, Ryo. Did you actually believe that her favorite snack would be enough to make her confess to the captain?"

Ryotaro pointed accusingly at a mindlessly chewing Yamazaki, who was watching the unfolding spectacle with all of the interest of someone attempting to watch grass grow. "Oi, _he_ was the one who said the girl sucked down that stuff like water! And besides, girls _like_ getting gifts, ya know? I thought it'd soften her up a bit!"

"Hn. I'm beginning to see why none of your previous relationships managed to last beyond a week."

"Wait, wait." Someone else objected. "You're tellin' me that the guy in charge of this _romance operation_ strikes out with every girl he dates?"

"Pretty much," Shin affirmed with a shrug, ignoring the look of outrage that crossed the redhead's face at the perceived betrayal.

"Shin!"

The dark-haired Shinsengumi cast an unrepentant glance at Ryotaro. "What? There's a reason why we call you Ryo the Romance Retard behind your back—and not just because it's good alliteration."

"Eh?" Obviously Ryo was unaware of this little tidbit of information.

"I reiterate: we let a guy with a nickname like that orchestrate getting Kagura-sama and Okita-taichou together?"

Shin nodded matter-of-factly, and rather glumly. "There was a reason I said we were doomed. Everyone decided else just decided to ignore it, and _now_ look where we are: stuck in a back alley watching last month's salary being frittered away by a five-foot-four pink-haired alien."

Ryotaro groaned. "Okay, so I made a mistake, ya know? And my past relationships _aside_, we're getting entirely off-topic here and that's—oi, Kenji, get the hell back here!" Ryotaro's hand snaked out and latched onto the back of the escaping youth's uniform, dragging him back into the shadowy depths with the rest of them. Kenji, who amidst the back and forth squabbling, had been sneakily inching his way out of the alleyway they were all ingloriously squished in, a hungry look on his young face. "_Tell_ me you weren't about to purchase some of the enemy's food."

The brown-haired boy frowned lightly, passing a hand over his growling stomach and giving his senpai a beseeching look. "I can't help it," he mumbled, a little pitifully. "I'm _hungry_. And besides, it's not even the enemy's sukonbu—I paid my entire month's salary for it! Part of it's rightfully mine!"

"Kid, _no_ fraternizing with the enemy. Eat some of Yamazaki-san's anpan if you're peckish."

Eyes widening, Yamazaki clutched his anpan close to his chest and glowered at Kenji, who wasn't entirely sure that the man wouldn't whack him with his tennis racket if he so much as made a move towards the anpan.

"Um…don't worry, Yamazaki-senpai, I'm not going to eat your anpan," Kenji reassured him apprehensively. Switching his gaze to a brooding Ryotaro, he suggested tentatively, "And…Ryo-senpai? Maybe…maybe everyone else is right." He interlocked his fingers nervously, staring down at them. "Maybe this really is a lost cause. Kagura-sama doesn't look like she's in love—she actually looks kinda mad."

Ryotaro sighed at the words—defeat was not in his vocabulary, and it pained him to even consider surrendering to a teenage girl. It pained him even more to think that the indomitable men of the Shinsengumi had seemingly met their match in someone entirely unexpected.

Ryotaro leaned against the alley wall, folding his arms and honing his gaze on the girl who had thwarted him twice now, with very little effort.

From an outsider's view, the pink-haired teenager, smiling happily at a passerby as they purchased a box of sukonbu, appeared exactly as nothing more than that—a cheerful, naïve young girl enjoying a sunny day with her best friend and her dog. It completely boggled the mind as to how such a tiny, delicate little thing like that could cause even the best-laid (and most expensive) plans to go awry.

Dammit, why couldn't the fiery-spirited young woman have been a docile, giggly adolescent like the rest of the girls who seemed to inhabit Edo in abundance? It would have made this entire job go so much easier…but _no_, Okita-taichou just _had_ to fall for the only teenage girl in the country who enjoyed beating up aliens in her spare time.

His scrutinizing stare passed over the oddly garbed samurai beside her (who was currently in the process of picking his nose with a blank expression) and meandered over to the white dog protectively stationed next to his mistress, the one that had defeated the undefeatable Shinsengumi with his gaping maw of a mouth and razor-sharp teeth.

A slight scowl formed on his lips, his red brows drawing together. How anyone could find something that freakishly intimidating lovable and cuddly was entirely beyond him…further cementing Kagura-sama in his mind as the perfect match for their equally weird captain. If she could love that man-eating beast, certainly Kagura-sama could find room in her heart for Okita-taichou as well?

Ryotaro stared hard at the dog.

A minute passed.

A terrible, wonderful idea began to form in his mind. A low cackle of laughter and the promise of a plan came from him, alarming his fellow Shinsengumi.

The men surrounding him exchanged uncertain glances, half-convinced that their leader had finally cracked.

"Um, Ryo-senpai?" Kenji squeaked while simultaneously scooting away from him in the limiting space. After all, who knew if craziness were contagious?

Ryotaro directed a sly smile at them, blissfully ignorant of the wary looks he was receiving and face alight with the sense of approaching victory. "Men, desperate times call for radical actions, ya know?" He proclaimed, the beginnings of deviousness shining in his eyes. His eyes shot back to where Sadaharu was standing next to Kagura, rubbing his hands together in the universal sign of evil plotting. "Tomorrow…we make our most drastic move to date!"

"More drastic than thieving all our money and buying two tons of sukonbu?" Shin said with sardonic surprise, his lip curling. "Oh, I can't _wait._"

Perhaps in remembrance of his earlier throttling at the hands of his best friend, Ryotaro prudently remained silent.

Kenji, however, had no such compunction. Relieved that the matter had been resolved, at least for the moment, he said with no little amount of happiness, "Then _now _can we leave? It smells like old fish back here, and I think that old lady over there thinks we're stalkers…she looks like she's going to call the police any second now." Anxiety shone in his face.

Everyone stared at him, the troubles of the day temporarily forgotten.

"…Kenji?"

"Yeah, Ryo-senpai?"

"We _are_ the police."

* * *

**Eeek! Sorry, sorry—I know this chapter's really late. I'm a pre-med student, so exams and coursework eventually catch up even to the best of us :P.**

**Thank you so very, very much for all your reviews! I'm sorry I can't reply to them all, since I figure you guys would rather have me spend that time working on a new chapter, but I read each and every one, and take all your opinions and comments into serious consideration. Seriously, if you ever have an idea for improving the story, or maybe a particular character you think might add something to it, drop me a line :) I'm exceedingly flattered that everyone seems to love Ryotaro, Kenji, and Shin so much, since most of you have made a point of telling me so in your review!**

**And just to clarify a quick point, I had one or two reviewers ask if Ryotaro liked Kagura...in **_**that **_**way. I'm wondering if it really does seem like that to other people as well, since I really didn't intend to write him in such a way. I think all of the Shinsengumi men might feel a certain admiration for Kagura, in the way that one does for a fellow warrior or even a cute girl, but I believe that all of them respect (and fear) their captain enough that it would never develop into anything further than that. Besides, I highly doubt any of those guys would be able to keep up with Kagura's sporadic personality like Okita has proven himself capable of doing on multiple occasions ;)**

**Anyways, to make up for my absence I wrote an extra, extra long chapter, hope you guys enjoy it :) Leave me a comment on what your thoughts about it are!**


	4. Attempt 3

trial and error

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Attempt #3: Kidnapping (Or, "In which The Men of the Shinsengumi Realize That Being Crooks Is Just Not The Proper Career Choice")**

Kenji swallowed hard as he peeked around the corner of the building, eyeing his fluffy, white-haired target. It was lounging idly in the heat of the afternoon sun, its lazily thumping tail causing small tremors to ripple upon the ground after each consecutive _whump_. When the huge creature yawned, lolling a proportionally huge tongue in the process, Kenji caught a terrifying glance of glistening white canines about four inches long.

His breath caught in his throat, and he stumbled backwards a bit. For a gloriously brief second, he seriously contemplated abandoning his mission and fleeing while he still had all of his crucial body parts left intact. It was only but a second though, because his ridiculously overactive conscience chose that moment to helpfully remind him that he absolutely couldn't fail his brothers-in-arms in this—their lives and future sanity depended on the success of this endeavor, after all.

Kenji let loose a resigned sigh, reluctantly halting his longed-for retreat.

But really…for the umpteenth time, he wondered how in the world he'd managed to get roped into doing this by the others.

In all honesty, he couldn't quite remember the details—the exact proceeding was a bit fuzzy in his mind after being surrounded by thirty or so fellow Shinsengumi with identical grins on their scheming faces. He had a faint recollection that it had gone something like this:

**Ryotaro: Kenji, I've come up with another brilliant idea, ya know? It's definitely gonna work! **(It had to be noted here that Kenji was beginning to dread those words coming from his senpai's mouth. They never seemed to bode well for the one on the receiving end).

**Shin: Yes, because the last two you had were such successes. Thanks to my now empty wallet from your last 'brilliant idea', I've been living off instant ramen for the past week. Do you have any idea what that does to a man's bowels? **

**Ryotaro: Shut up, Shin! No one's interested in the inner workings of your intestines!**

**Shin: Hn. **

**Kumanaku: Now, now, boys, just let me bestow some of my Hand Sanitizer of Love and Peace upon you and all will be well in the world—GAH!**

**Kenji: Toilet-senpai!**

**Yamazaki: Nicsch shmett, Ryntiioo-sheenn. **

**Ryotaro: Eh? Yamazaki-senpai, take out the anpan **_**before**_** you talk please. **

**Yamazki: I said, nice shot Ryotaro-san. He won't be waking up for a while.**

**Ryotaro: Heh, nobody squirts soap on me and lives to tell about it, ya know?**

**Shin: Ryo, that's obvious to anyone with working olfactory senses. **

**Ryotaro: Hey—!**

**Kenji: U-um, Ryo-senpai, what'd you need me for anyways? You never said.**

**Ryotaro: Ah, right. Well, Kenji-kun, the time has come for you to at last fulfill your sacred calling as a true Shinsengumi. **

**Kenji: B-but, haven't I been doing that for the past few months since I joined…?**

**Ryotaro: Nah, you're not a **_**true**_** Shinsengumi until you embark upon a mission of guaranteed death, destruction, or at least a good maiming and live to tell about it. Kiddo, your time has finally come to prove your mettle! You should feel proud that the entire Shinsengumi unanimously volunteered none other than **_**you**_** to kidnap Kagura-sama's killer dog!**

**Kenji (paling): Uh…volunteer? So…that means I have a choice?**

**Ryotaro: No, not really. It's more of an involuntary volunteering.**

**Kenji: Couldn't it be a voluntary involuntary volunteering? And why would I want to kidnap Kagura-sama's dog anyways?**

**Ryotaro: Because she obviously loves that freaky thing, for reasons not in my range of comprehension. We'll hold it hostage till she agrees to marry taichou. **

**Kenji: …won't that just make her really, really mad?**

**Ryotaro: Psh. Are you kidding? Girls break down into sobbing little piles of compliant mush whenever they think their pets are in danger! It'll be a cinch, no problem!**

**Kenji: If it's gonna be so easy, why can't someone else do it?**

**Ryotaro: Well…we figured it would take at least an hour or so to get a lawyer here to review everyone's last will and testament, so we thought it'd just be less of a hassle to send the only one of us who doesn't have a bunch of annoying little legalities and the like to worry about! Isn't that—eh? Kenji-kun, where're ya going?**

**Kenji: I always thought I'd make a good farmer. Or a baker. Possibly a street sweeper. **

Unfortunately for Kenji's wellbeing, the entire group of gathered men had converged on him, desperately cajoling him with tear-stricken eyes (probably induced by eye drops, he thought sourly) and hopeful faces (probably hoping for him to agree so that it wouldn't be any of _their_ necks on the line, he grumbled to himself) to accept the mission.

Obviously, given his presence outside of the Yorozuya headquarters at this very moment, that was exactly what he'd ended up doing.

The behemoth dog lifted his head curiously as a white-faced Kenji tremulously approached, shaking hands dipping into the bag he held to withdraw a large hunk of steak.

"Here boy," he crooned nervously, waving the meat before the now-avidly watching dog. He carefully laid it on the ground, relief shooting through him as the dog gave an interested sniff and padded over to the meat.

Sadaharu snapped it up in one quick gulp, teeth glinting in the sunlight. His large, keen eyes looked expectantly at Kenji.

Kenji laughed, unsure, and pulled out another steak, repeating the process.

As Sadaharu darted forwards more eagerly to grab his free food, Kenji desperately hoped that he had enough meat to entice the dog all the way to the rendezvous point.

* * *

The Yorozuya headquarters was largely silent, and this was probably due to the fact that it was lacking in the presence of a shrill-voiced otaku, a samurai whose snores could cause hearing loss to even the deaf, and an easily-excited Yato girl and her furry companion.

The soft glow of the setting sun could be glimpsed through the glass panes of the few windows, washing the room in a pleasant shade of golden orange. The comfortably worn furniture bore the familial imprints of bodies, and a faint scent of spices and flavorings lingered in the still air to grant it a pleasant aroma.

It was the perfect picture of a serene little home.

"Gin-chaaaaaaan, I'm huuuuuuunggggrrrrry. Gin-chaaaaaaaaaaaan."

Apparently Kagura was, in actuality, home.

That little description of quiet serenity and peaceful happiness?

Forget it.

There was a pause as the wailed call received no reply, and only the soft noise of bare feet tripping sleepily across wood filled the silence. Then again came the nearly garbled keening of: "Gin-chaaaaaan. Shinpaaaaaaaachi."

A head of pink hair, mussed from being pressed against a pillow for an afternoon nap, popped out from around a corner.

A heavy-lidded gaze blearily swept the room, searching for her absentee companions. Of course, it didn't do much good, as in her present state Kagura was having difficulty differentiating between what may or may not have been Shinpachi (it was actually a vacuum cleaner) and what may or may not have been Gintoki (it was actually the sofa).

"Gin-chan, is that you? I'm hungry, uh-huh. Feed me."

Kagura's blue eyes grew stormy as she was met only with quiet once again, rubbing her eyes sleepily as she peeked more intently into the Yorozuya's living/dining/office room (_she really needed to badger Gin-chan about moving them into bigger headquarters someday, that cheapy silver-haired guy)_ wondering why no one was immediately rushing to attend to the urgent needs of her stomach.

Her brow furrowed as she observed the empty room.

Gin-chan wasn't in their joint bedroom, he hadn't been in the bathroom, and he wasn't in here…so where'd he gone then? There was no way that guy was out on a job, as he made it a point not to do any work before ten and after four. Laziness bred happiness, he always said.

And Shinpachi, who usually made it a point to stay late to tidy up after his dismally and chronically slobby coworkers, wasn't here because by now he would have pounced, chasing her around with a feather duster in one hand and a cleaning cloth in the other, threatening to never buy food for her again unless she did her fair share of the cleaning.

Even her beloved _dog_ had deserted her, she noted unhappily, finding no trace of white fur anywhere in the vicinity.

Kagura poked apologetically at her stomach, which had just emitted a thoroughly disgruntled groan of displeasure.

Those _traitors_! Here she was, half-asleep and completely starving, and her smelly boys had probably snuck out to the nearest maid café while she had slumbered on unawares, and were probably in the process of greedily gorging themselves on scrumptious dumplings, sugary parfaits, and heaps of tantalizingly round dango.

Her mouth watered at the imagined plates of delicacies.

…_those BASTARDS!_

A soft growl rolled from the little pink-haired woman, and she absentmindedly cracked her knuckles, readying herself to hunt down and beat up those ingrates that called themselves her teammates...after they paid for her meal, of course.

She may have been hungry, but she was by no means stupid. Homicidal urges could be contained until _after_ she was sated.

Uncaring of the fact that she was still garbed in her blindingly orange pajamas, an irate Kagura stalked towards the front doors, muttering dangerously under her breath about stupid people who had no idea about how important food was to certain alien girls.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

If Gin-chan and Shinpachi didn't watch it, they were soon going to be ranking high in terms of stupidity, right up there next to a certain Shinsengumi captain that Kagura didn't like to dwell on too often (in terms of making her stomach unhappy, thoughts of that guy were right up there next to hunger pangs).

_Crunch_.

Kagura blinked as her foot tread on something stiff and crisp, scrubbing a hand against her eyes groggily as she peered downwards to find out what she had stepped on. Most likely it was one of Gin-chan's ridiculous JUMP magazines again…

There was silence as Kagura stared down at the slip of paper she'd accidentally stepped on.

It wasn't really her fault, she reflected as she bent down to swiftly scoop it up. After all, whoever had wedged the paper underneath the door of the Yorozuya headquarters clearly wanted it to be noticed—maybe it was another bill from their many debtors that the Yorozuya enjoyed the privilege of dodging on a daily basis, or another smutty love letter intended for Gin-chan from Sa-chan. Or maybe Otsu-chan had finally taken out a restraining order against the ever-enthusiastic Shinpachi, she grinned to herself.

Smirking, Kagura unfolded the crinkled piece of white paper…

…and stared.

And stared.

And stared.

The grin had evaporated from her face, and her hands clenched tightly around the seemingly innocent _thing_ she held.

A minute passed in deathly stillness, until her petite body began to quake viciously and she threw the letter down onto the floor with a snarl. With preternatural movements, she darted into her and Gin-chan's room. She veritably threw off her pajamas, tugged on her familiar red pants and top, snatched one death-inducing purple umbrella from its resting place against the wall, and sped out into the evening, slamming the sliding door behind her with a satisfying _thud._

The house shook in response.

And upon the wooden floor was the cast off paper that had single-handedly managed to incite the anger of one particular Yato girl. In mismatched letters visibly cut from newspapers and magazines, the note read:

**MARRY OKITA SOUGO OR YOUR PRECIOUS DOG IS OUR DINNER TONIGHT. **

**Signed, **

**A friend**

**P.S.**

**Come to the old warehouse on 32****nd**** Street for negotiations. Tell no one. Muahahahaha. **

* * *

Kagura's mind was a beehive of frantic thoughts as she sprinted through the district streets, all of the gruesome fates that could have befallen Sadaharu by now playing over and over in her head.

Those bastards had gone too far this time.

Way, way too far.

Fortunately, they hadn't gone so far that it was out of reach of her fists and umbrella, both of which would soon be embedded so far up the asses of those thieving, dog-napping Shinsengumi that they'd be spitting blood for weeks.

Physically Kagura may have resembled her mother, but a greater portion of her personality was clearly inherited from her father and shared with her brother—neither of whom were particularly renown throughout the galaxy as being harbingers of peace and mercy. And at that moment, it was that part of her howling bloodthirstily for the pummeling of the assholes who had ruthlessly stolen her dearest friend and companion in the entire world.

Now, where was 32nd street?

Her eyes flickered frantically from signpost to signpost as she skidded and dashed helter-skelter through the streets, kicking up a goodly amount of dust on her way.

_34__th __St._, one sign proclaimed.

Another read _35__th__ St. _

A sinking sensation caused her stomach to plummet worrisomely—and not from hunger either. _Dammit!_ She cursed wildly to herself. She'd completely passed by the right street by in her haste, and now she would have to double back, she groused.

She tromped back the way she came, muttering darkly to herself when her progress was stinted by a stupid crosswalk light telling her to DON'T WALK. Her sandaled foot tapped impatiently upon the cement walk, her hands shifting restlessly upon her umbrella. A lock of pink hair fell annoyingly into her eyes, and she shoved it away with a terse swipe.

These humans…why the heck did they have to build their cities so complicated, and with so many rules?

She blew out a loud sigh as the stupid light refused to turn green for her, tempted to ignore all of Gintoki's (admittedly brief) teachings about pedestrian and road regulations. On the Yato planet things were vastly simpler and less headache-inducing—polluting machines like cars didn't even exist there, and the only pedestrian rule of the road was to get the hell out of somebody's way if they looked bigger and meaner than you.

She grinned minutely at her recollection of her first day on Earth, and the first time she'd laid eyes on a car. She'd actually screamed and jumped backwards in fright, convinced that it was some roaring metal beast out to devour her whole. It was a story she'd never shared with anyone, and for good reason—she'd never hear the end of it.

Kagura's gaze flicked back to the damnable light that obviously had something against her, because the thing _still_ read DON'T WALK.

"Oh, _come on_, uh-huh!" She fumed, as though it was an animate object that could hear her. Her eyes narrowing as she regarded her most recent foe, she placed her hands on her hips. "Oi, light, I _order_ you to turn green for me!"

The crosswalk light, predictably, did not reply.

"So you're gonna take that attitude, huh? Turn green, darn it! By order of, uh…by order of the Queen of the Earth!"

Apparently the crosswalk light did not respond to royal decrees, fake or otherwise, because it staunchly and defiantly flashed the red DON'T WALK at her.

Kagura saw red (although that might have been from the sign), as her outrage slipped upwards a notch. "You stinking piece of evil technology! I'm trying to find my _dog_, who is _lost_, and is possibly on the dinner menu for a bunch of cannibals in blue uniforms right now! Now let me cross, uh-huh!"

Blissfully caught up in her one-sided verbal argument with the crosswalk sign, Kagura didn't notice the slightly fearful looks of her fellow pedestrians and the way in which they sped up when they walked past her, surreptitiously eyeing her from furtive side glances.

"Fine!" Kagura shouted heatedly when the crosswalk sign (to her eyes) smarmily blinked another DON'T WALK. "Fine! I'm gonna cross anyways, uh-huh! We'll see how _you_ like it when someone doesn't listen to your wishes!"

She slammed one daring foot onto the street, casting a triumphant glance at what had been upgraded to position of arch-nemesis.

Preoccupied with fury and a delicious sense of revenge against the crosswalk sign, she didn't even notice that she was about to step directly into the path of an oncoming car hurtling down the road—

-until an arm tightly wrapped around her waist, pulling her harshly backwards against a firm, hard body, and a familiar voice said lowly in her ear, "China girl, didn't anyone ever tell you to look both ways before crossing the street?"

Kagura squeaked, repressing a shiver at the sensation of the warm breath caressing the nape of her neck, and immediately spun around in her captor's arms. The stiff fabric of a dark uniform brushed strangely against her front, and a lingering, not-unpleasant scent of smoke and steel pervaded her senses.

She blinked in astonishment as her gaze clashed with two deep red eyes.

Eyes that she knew all too well. "_YOU!"_

Unfortunately, in the shock of actually encountering the bane of her existence that had been plaguing her (albeit indirectly) for days now, Kagura entirely forgot about ripping herself from his firm grasp. Had she been in her right and sane mind, she would have wasted no time in extracting herself from the warm hold she now found herself in, with a few choice swear words and insulting epithets mixed in for good measure.

As it was, she was unable to do little more than gape up at him with wide blue eyes and lips parted in surprise. Thoughts of Sadaharum momentarily drained from her monotonously humming brain as she stared up at the person before her.

Okita Sougo quirked an eyebrow, smirking slightly at her. "Me," he replied calmly. "Are we speaking in monosyllables now, alien girl? Or has your intelligence just regressed that far from disuse?"

The sound of his smug, annoying voice was enough to rudely awake her from the frozen daze she'd found herself in. The Sadist had an unholy knack for pissing her off with very little effort—a talent he was exerting at this very moment, she thought with a deep scowl.

"Oi!" She shouted, finally coming to her senses and thrashing furiously in his unbearably close hold. _When the hell had he gotten so near? _She wondered with panicked bewilderment and an involuntary blush on her pale cheeks. It was with an indignant look that she glared up at him, nearly gasping as she found herself able to view the deep hue of his crimson eyes and the soft texture of his messy hair with a startling clarity. "This is sexual harassment, bastard! Let me go, uh-huh!"

Intent on escaping him, she wriggled harshly in his arms, body twisting and hair bouncing wildly. But the Sadist being the Sadist, Kagura thought, and existing only for the sole intention of irritating her, did exactly the opposite.

Kagura's wrath sky-rocketed when his arms tightened incrementally around her _on purpose_, his lips tilting up in dry amusement as pure and wanton murder flashed through her eyes.

"Calm down, China girl," he admonished with his slight grin still in place.

"Lemme go, you friggin' bastard!"

"Language, Miss Alien. Is that any way to talk to your hero?"

Kagura's response was to elegantly attempt to shove her knee into the one place she knew incapacitated all men (her brother had taught it to her long ago, back when he had been nice and sane). Unfortunately, the Sadist evaded her maneuver with an infuriating ease, smirking freely. "That wasn't nice."

"Oh _really_? Perhaps you could show me what nice is by _letting me go!_" Kagura abruptly slid one of the hands between them up to grip his collar, yanking him towards her so that she could introduce her other fist into his stupidly handsome face.

When she dragged him closer, both of them nearly froze as she unintentionally succeeded in doing little more than pressing the entire length of her soft body against his lithe one—

—and in an instant Kagura found herself stumbling backwards, Okita having loosened his grip on her with a startling and unexpected swiftness.

Kagura yelped in surprise as she staggered.

"Hey!" She snapped indignantly, managing to right herself before she careened to the ground in an undignified heap. After all, this was the absolute _last_ person she wanted to go landing on her ass in front of.

"_What_, China?" Kagura blinked at the low simmer of frustration in his voice, some of her righteous anger replaced with confusion as she watched him lift a hand and rub wearily at the bridge of his nose. "You asked me to release you; I complied. And you're still complaining?"

"Yeah, considering it took you about a million times for me to say it before you actually _listened_, uh-huh. And you could have been a little more chivalrous about it!" She glared at him and then glanced to the side, muttering derisively, "I bet you don't even know the meaning of the word."

The man in front of her seemed unaffected by the accusation, tilting his head in mock thought. "I seem to recall it has something to do with giving girls false flattery and making sure they don't step in rain puddles." His eyes glinted strangely as they swept up and down her body and he drawled out, "So for the false flattery part, you look irresistibly beautiful tonight, China girl—"

Kagura turned a bright red, the tomato sheen of her face clashing exquisitely with her pink hair. She was well aware that having woken up only minutes ago and dressed in such a hurry, she probably had a horrible case of curly bed head and irrevocably wrinkled clothes. Some women managed to look pearly fresh upon waking from slumber—Kagura really didn't think she was one of them.

"—and seeing as it hasn't rained for a few days, I'll just have to lift you over the puddles another time," Okita finished, with all of the eagerness of someone looking forwards to their own impending death.

If Okita Sougo was a prime example of current gentlemanly behavior, Kagura thought, the human race was most certainly doomed.

She bristled, resisting the urge to stick out her tongue in response. "I don't need any saving from stupid rain puddles, thank-you-very-much," she retorted, folding her arms in annoyance. "I'm not some helpless little damsel, uh-huh."

"Really? Hm, must have been some other pink-haired girl I was forced to rescue from being turned into road kill. My mistake."

"Oh, shut up," Kagura barked wretchedly, a combination of wounded pride and worry over her pet spiking her famously short temper. "And I don't have time to stand around trading stupid insults with you today, uh-huh." Sending him the deepest look of loathing she could possibly muster, she turned to leave. "Go torture kittens, or whatever it is you Shinsengumi do on patrol."

There was an exasperated sigh, and then her hand was inconveniently snagged, effortlessly putting a stop to her fury-driven departure.

It was quite a lucky thing that her glare wasn't actually made of daggers, or the one aimed at the Sadist would have riddled him with a thousand bloody holes. "_What_?" She bit out, huffing in irritation.

"Wait a second before you go storming off, China," he said, voice peculiarly serious as his gaze bored into her. On anyone else, Kagura might have dubbed it concern. But seeing this was the Sadist, he was probably just fishing for excuses to keep her around so he could torment her some more. "It's almost nighttime. You shouldn't be wandering the streets by yourself."

Her reply was accompanied by a smirk and eye roll. "Why? Cause I might run into creepy weirdos?" She gave him a pointed look. "Too late for that, uh-huh."

"Ouch," he said with an obvious absence of feeling, raising an eyebrow. "Why isn't _danna_ with you? You two are usually attached at the hip."

Had Kagura been attuned to the more complex levels of human emotion, she might have heard the slight hint of resentful jealousy in those words. Unfortunately for Okita, Kagura was rather dense in such things, and therefore could only give him a mystified stare.

She shrugged. "Because…he's not? I don't know. Like I said, I don't need a babysitter, uh-huh."

She directed an anxious glance at the rapidly darkening sky, her heart twisting with guilt as she realized that Sadaharu was still waiting for her to rescue him. She didn't have time to be standing around, fruitlessly chatting with this maddening guy when her precious little pet could have been chopped up, sautéed, and chewed up by those barbarians by now!

Ugh, her stomach churned just thinking about it.

"So, going to tell me why you're out frightening little kiddies on the street?"

Turning her attention back to Okita, she gave the blonde a flat look. "I think you're confusing me with yourself, Sadist. You're far more likely to give them nightmares than I am, uh-huh."

"Hn. Masterful avoidance of the question, China." A faint note of wry amusement was in his voice. "Care to try again?"

Kagura repressed an aggravated sigh, but only narrowly.

This entire ordeal could easily be resolved if she simply _told_ the Sadist exactly what his minions had been up to as of late…but somehow her pride wouldn't allow her to. She was still confused as hell as to why the Shinsengumi men were so intent on cornering her into being the Sadist's girlfriend/wife/squeeze/whatever, given that she really couldn't detect any partiality towards her on that guy's part.

Unless, of course, incessantly mocking her was his warped way of expressing love.

Which she doubted. Highly.

But still…for some strange reason, she couldn't quite bear watching the disgust and incredulity that would play out on his face if she enlightened him to the fact that there were _certain people_ (_certain people _not including her) wishing for them to be together. She had the terrible feeling that whatever it was that made her insides hurt so much whenever he treated her like an annoying child would worm its way into her system again if she did so.

So instead, she reluctantly resigned herself to telling the truth about what she was doing. After all, it was far better than the alternative.

"I'm…looking for Sadaharu, uh-huh," she admitted softly, idly scuffing a shoe along the hard sidewalk. She watched it as though fascinated, determined to avoid making eye contact. If she did, the perceptive bastard might just pick up on the fact that there was more to the story than what she was willing to tell and drag the rest out of her.

He was awfully good at doing that, she reflected darkly to herself.

"You lost your dog? China, why the hell don't you just buy a leash for the thing?"

Kagura inhaled sharply, forgetting her previous resolution to shy from looking at him. Her head shot up in surprise, wide-eyed gaze scrutinizing the inexpressive man before her. "You…remember Sadaharu?" she asked hesitantly, something _not good_ flaring to life inside of her stupid, girly heart. Hardly anyone ever remembered her beloved pet's name—those idiot Shinsengumi who had paid her a visit a few days ago being a prime example.

Okita stuck his hands nonchalantly in his pockets, regarding her with a deadpan stare. "It's a little difficult to forget a mystical dog that can grow into freakin' Godzilla, China." With a casual motion he leant towards her, and she suddenly found his face inches from hers, murky red locking with sky blue as he looked hard at her. "Oi, alien girl, can you see me?"

"A-ah!" She squeaked and hopped backwards, only barely avoiding toppling off the curb again. She quickly steadied herself. "O-of course I can see you, idiot! What was that for, uh-huh?" She blustered, folding her arms.

Like always, the Sadist didn't seem very impressed with her display of ire. He shrugged dismissively. "Just checking to see if you'd gone blind when I wasn't looking. Because I honestly have no idea how else you'd lose a dog that big."

"Trust me," she grumbled sourly, thinking of stupid Shinsengumi and their stupid plans and their stupid dog-napping. "It's definitely possibly. Which is _why_ I'm going to look for him now, yup."

She plastered a fake smile on her face and waved, pivoting on her heel and marching off. "Therefore, see ya! Or maybe not, uh-huh. You might get mysteriously eaten by a giant frog or something before I see you again, but I'm not holding my breath."

It was only a few paces away that the sound of echoing footsteps reached her ears. Disbelief shot through her, her body tensing minutely.

Kagura came to a screeching stop in her gait, sending the Shinsengumi Captain a _look_. It was a _look_ that would have fried a lesser man into a small, crispy pile of ashes—but seeing as this was Edo's resident sadist, it only served in entertaining him. "What're you _doing_, Sadist?"

"Walking," he said glibly, not bothering to favor her with a glance.

"I can see that," she retorted. "But the problem is that you're walking in the same direction as me!"

"Well, I'm coming along, obviously."

"Stop stalking me!"

"Don't flatter yourself, China girl," was the bored answer. "I'm a policeman, remember? I help people."

A snort escaped her lips. She _so_ begged to differ on that. "I don't need your help, yup. I might not make it out alive."

Okita smirked, angling his dark red gaze down at her. "I'm not helping _you_, alien girl. I'm helping whatever poor civilian might have their car totaled if you step out into the street without looking again." Something odd flashed across his implacable face, far too quickly for her to really scrutinize.

"Your consideration's touching, uh-huh."

"It wasn't intended to be."

Kagura turned her head, for the sole purpose that he not see the reluctant smile threatening to break out on her face.

"Hmph. Fair enough. I _guess_ you can come along then."

* * *

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Okita cursed vigorously in his head as he strode alongside of the petite female, easily keeping in tempo with her despite her best efforts at outpacing him.

From the corner of his eye, he cast a brief glance at the alien girl stubbornly remaining quiet next to him, taking in the messy waves of pink stuffed into a haphazard bun, the shine of blue eyes illuminated by the street lamps, the soft, sloping curve of her pert nose, the gentle part of lips that were more suited to be quirked upwards in a smile or engaged in shouting insults at him.

Irony was a terrible thing, Okita reflected with a cynical sense of humor. He had hastily departed headquarters to go on patrol and hopefully purge all troubling thoughts about this girl by venting his frustration on a few criminals or two, but that had (obviously) wholly and utterly backfired on him.

Because rather than happening upon any misguided crooks or radical Anti-foreigner factions he could crush into a satisfyingly bloody pulp, he'd instead happened upon the one person he'd been actively trying to avoid.

He hadn't expected to run into her at this hour of the evening. She had once mentioned that she hated the nighttime with a deep passion; that it had reminded her too much of the dreary dark skies that had characterized her home planet. It had been one of the few times they hadn't been entangled in a spirited duel; one of their rare chance meetings when they had simply been content to sit quietly together and enjoy a lazy, sunlit day.

But now that his plans had been thoroughly shot to hell with their encounter, he was completely preparing to embark on a comprehensive review of all the bad deeds in his life he'd ever committed when he returned to headquarters.

Because other than some serious racking up of bad karma, he couldn't think of any other plausible reason as to why fate had suddenly invested a sadistic pleasure in making that girl pop up everywhere he went.

Along with those accursed feelings that seemed to sweep in with her presence.

Contrary to the relatively peaceful (or at least frustration-alleviating) night he'd set out in search of, the shriveled lump of rock in his chest (usually called a 'heart') had received an unwelcome jumpstart at the unanticipated sight of Kagura very nearly being plowed down in the street by a speeding car. His body had reacted before his mind had even comprehended, muscles swiftly working together in tandem as he had sprinted towards the dangerously unaware girl.

His hands had pulled her into the only place he'd known she would be entirely safe: near him.

If he'd purposefully continued to hold her close even after rescuing the little idiot from her own inattentiveness, Okita could only chalk it up to the unsettling images that had flashed through his mind—images that might very well have been reality had he been even a second slower. Pink hair, matted with blood, splayed out across the asphalt; wide, unseeing blue eyes; pale skin dotted with flecks of crimson…

And after that, how the hell could he expected to just leave her alone? Hence his accompaniment of her at the moment.

"Hellooooo?" A soft, lilting voice penetrated the mire of his thoughts.

Okita blinked as his inner musings were brusquely interrupted, gaze flicking over to the curious face peeking up at him. He exhaled slowly, willing himself to call upon that precise control that had given him victory in countless battles and served him equally as well in every other aspect of his life.

If he didn't, Okita might very well have found himself listening to his rash male body, which was currently urging him to do unspeakable things to the China girl staring up at him with those freaking big eyes of hers…

…things that would more likely than not end with him having a purple umbrella protruding from his gut.

Thankfully, when he spoke, his voice remained admirably even. "What is it, China?"

"Oh, so you _are _alive, yup!" she chirruped, a half-smile on her lips. She clapped her hands in mock joy. "You were so quiet, I thought you'd died, Sadist."

"Really. How did you think I was managing to walk, then? Idiot."

She shrugged, blithely saying, "Don't know. If you were a zombie you could've." She wrinkled her nose, suddenly scowling at him. "And if you ever _do_ become a Sadist zombie, don't even think about trying to come after me and eat my brains, uh-huh. I know a hundred different ways of zombie-killing, yup."

He rolled his eyes. "Please, China, even as a zombie I'd have better taste."

He was tempted to roll his eyes again when an insulted look crossed her delicate features. "Are you saying I wouldn't be tasty, uh-huh?" She asked indignantly.

Scenarios of chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and every other damn thing that appealed to his taste buds flashed, unbidden, through his head—most of them involving the pink-haired alien in some way. He rapidly squelched the unwanted thoughts, silently cursing his rival and her disadvantageous ability of evoking his mostly-dormant male imagination.

"…you pick the weirdest things to be offended by."

"I do not! Take that back!"

"Before this conversation descends into the juvenile, China girl," he said, ignoring the disgruntled expression that was commonplace on her by now. "I have to ask: you _do _know how large the Kabuki district is, right?"

She snorted. "Of course I do! I'm not some amateur tourist, yup!"

"Then mind telling me exactly _how_ you're going to locate your dog?" He asked blandly. Okita didn't fail to notice that the girl beside him had tensed at the question, glimpsing the sudden panic searing blue eyes. "Were you planning on just roaming the streets until you found him?"

Kagura petulantly looked away. "_No_. I know where he is."

"Really," he said, unconvinced. "And how's that?"

"He…uh…well, he left me a…a note! Yup, a note! Telling me where he went!"

"Without opposable thumbs? Amazing," he drawled.

"Sadaharu's a smart dog!"

"Yes," he commented, a tiny smirk curling around the edges of his mouth. "I'm sure he takes after you in that respect, China."

The acerbic insult was, of course, a complete lie. For all of her projected air-headedness and bubbly exterior, the girl had an unexpectedly keen sense of perception, particularly when it came to people. And he had learned, through many hard lessons of being sent flying through various walls and buildings, that her battle intellect was not one to be underestimated—even by his own swordsmanship genius.

Humoring her odd idea on finding her dog, he asked, "So where is it, then?"

"Huh?"

"The address you claim your genius dog left you."

She frowned, eyeing him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because unless you feel like being stuck together for another few hours, aimlessly walking around town, I suggest you just tell me so we can get there faster." He tilted his head back to take in the clear night sky, inhaling deeply. "And let's face it, China girl: another few hours and one of us will probably be dead."

Most probably him, because the amount of steely control it took not to act on his impulses around her was beginning to wear thin on him.

She heartily agreed with him, though most likely not for the same reasons. "Good point, uh-huh. And it'll probably be you, Sadist, since there's no way I'd ever lose to you." Neither pointed out that she had managed to lose to him on a fair few occasions—one of the most notable of which was the time when he had triumphed over her in a mere five seconds.

Kagura was _still_ trying to figure out how _that_ one had happened.

"It's on 32nd street," she said, her eyes screwed up cutely as she remembered. "If you get me there, I can find him on my own, yup."

"Right."

They were pensively silent the rest of the way, as neither one of them was quite used to spending such a lengthy amount of time in the other's company—especially when there was absolutely no fists/bloody noses/umbrella-maiming involved. The pink-haired girl at his side uncharacteristically preoccupied and Okita stuck in his own rut of thoughts…most of which had to do with the unfairness of the universe and the fact that it had chosen the most inconvenient person for him to have…_feelings_…for.

He glanced down at her bobbing pink head every so often, noting in amusement that while she had grown a respectable number of inches from when they had been younger, she still only managed to just clear the top of his shoulder. Human and alien, tall and short, sardonic and sweet…their vast differences couldn't be denied. The number of other passerby was rapidly dwindling with the onset of night, but even to outside eyes they most likely presented as an oddly matched pair.

It was almost a relief when the correct street sign caught his eyes, signaling his ended escort of her.

She brightened at the sight of it, eagerly peering down the full length of the street.

"Now that I've fulfilled my chivalrous duty to you China," he deadpanned. "Which I vaguely remember you accusing me of lacking in earlier—that hurt, by the way, so feel guilty—"

"Oh, quit with the pity party, Sadist," she chirped. "You have somewhere else to be, don't you? I don't need you anymore, uh-huh!"

He smirked at the dismissal. "Your manners are wonderful—remember to tell the hobos who raised you that they did a good job."

Her only reply was to stick out a little pink tongue at him as he turned to leave.

"Hey." Her voice quickly stopped him. It was a mixture of hesitance and warmth, reminding him of the fact that when she wasn't shouting herself hoarse at him she was actually quite pleasing to listen to.

She was regarding him with an oddly gentle sort of smile—it was one he recognized, but not by previous experience. It was the smile he normally saw her giving _danna _after the silver-haired man had swooped in to save the day yet again, tinted with pure adoration and colored with a wholehearted, unabashed sweetness.

This particular smile was the reason he was more often than not struck with the random urge to punch _danna_. Hard.

This particular smile was the reason he was backing away slowly, having finally realized the full extent of this girl's perilous power.

"What is it, China?" he managed to grind out through clenched teeth, more preoccupied with escaping this unprecedented situation with his sanity and heart unscathed.

Kagura shrugged, a little shy, and clasped her hands behind her back, tilting her head. "I guess I just wanted to say…thank you, uh-huh."

Okita aimed another wary look at her, while praying for another measly measure of patience until he could make his getaway. "You don't say 'thank you', China girl," he said distractedly. "And least of all to me. Oi, are you terminally ill? Trying to make amends with everyone you've ever treated badly?"

"No!" she tossed her hands up dramatically, glaring at him. "Can't you just accept my thanks, dummy?"

"Honestly, I'm a little suspicious about accepting anything from you. Bodily harm usually comes attached to anything you give."

Satisfaction coursed through him as, predictably, the pink-haired girl turned a bright red and seemed to be restraining herself from delivering that aforementioned bodily harm. While most people would have cringed at the thought of deliberately provoking a Yato clan member, Okita relished and welcomed it with open arms.

Because an angry Kagura was good.

An angry Kagura meant she was less likely to be doing things that made his heart pound irritably fast and his blood to thrum deafeningly in his ears.

"You—you—arg!" When he looked at her again, he noted that she was sucking in deep, calming breaths. "This isn't coming out right, uh-huh," she mumbled. "All I'm trying to say is thanks for helping me find Sadaharu. He's…" She met his gaze, blue eyes radiating sincerity. "He's one of my most precious friends." Her eyes crinkled up and her rosy mouth parted in an open smile.

Blessed with the wisdom that his beloved big sister, Kondo-san, and (he supposed) even Hijikata-san had instilled in him from a young age, Okita did what anyone did when confronted with the sight of the person they may-or-may-not-have-liked smiling in such a way:

He muttered a hasty goodbye and got the hell out of there before he could do something truly stupid.

* * *

The large group of Shinsengumi, looking decidedly odd clad in ski masks and pitch black clothing, watched the large white dog in the corner with wary eyes, jumping every time he so much as scratched his head. It had been this way ever since a proud Kenji had marched into the warehouse with a bored dog in tow—a dog that was being suspiciously compliant with his kidnappers.

In fact, the damn thing seemed to be having _fun_ at the expense of the Shinsengumi, who practically fled when Sadaharu wagged his tail or gave a bark. The dog clearly had a sadistic streak in him, giving him more than a slight resemblance to a certain Shinsengumi captain.

Shin spoke up nervously after a few moments of this. "I'm not sure this was the best idea."

"It'll be fine," Ryotaro assured him, with a confidence he wasn't really feeling. It had been _hours_ since they'd taken the dog and left the ransom note, and his owner still had yet to show. "Kagura-sama treasures this dog beyond all else. She'll definitely do anything to get him back!"

Shin shot him a sarcastic glare. "And that includes mercilessly killing the people who took him, right?"

"…ah."

"Yeah." Shin raised his eyes heavenward, as though praying for a miracle. "They'll be finding pieces of our mutilated bodies in the morning."

Another Shinsengumi slumped against the wall of the antiquated, unused warehouse they were currently in, a look of utter doom upon his face. "Who wrote the ransom note anyways? I mean really, 'marry Okita Sougo or we'll eat your dog'?"

Everyone simultaneously turned and looked at a furiously blushing Kenji, who held his thin hands up defensively.

"What?!"

Shin snorted. "'Eat your dog?' Is that what it said? _Really_ Kenji? You couldn't come up with anything better than that, like something that wouldn't put her in a murderous rage?"

Kenji gaped at his superior, the normally good-natured teen bridling at the accusing tone. "Hey, it's all _your_ faults for not bothering to check the note before I sent it!" He paused nervously, before brightening up. "And besides, I signed it as 'a friend'. That'll make her less mad, right?"

There was a disbelieving hush. Then Ryotaro asked incredulously, "You threatened we'd cook her dog for dinner, and then signed it 'a friend'?" He slapped a hand over his face, an action that most of the other members were now mirroring. "You're definitely off the ransom note writing committee, kid."

"I never wanted to write the stupid note in the first place! And you were all too scared to do it, so you told me to! Just like you were all too scared to go and get Sadaharu!" The youngest of the group snapped irritably, losing his perpetual good humor again. "It was a dumb plan anyways, right Sadaharu?" He leaned over to pet the dog on the head, but was promptly yanked back by several frightened Shinsengumi.

"Oi, don't do that, he'll bite your hand clean off, idiot!"

"He will _not,_ he's actually a good dog when you spend some time with him…I wish—"

"Kenji, if your next sentence is "I wish we could keep him", so help me—"

"I wasn't gonna—"

"We're so screwed and all you guys can do is bicker?! Shin, leave 'im alone and we'll return the dog and—"

But the brave men of the Shinsengumi never did get to hear the rest of Ryotaro's assuredly idiot-proof plan, because it was at that moment that a piercing cry rent the stagnant air of the old warehouse, reducing the aforementioned brave men of the Shinsengumi into quivering schoolgirls.

"SADAHARU!"

The Shinsengumi men abruptly froze their tussle as the high-pitched scream did its best to shatter their eardrums. Rather than the door to the warehouse simply being opened, it was blown right off of the hinges.

"Oh, crap," one of them whimpered when the form of an enraged teenage girl appeared in the doorway, looking oddly menacing even in her bright-red Chinese outfit and house sandal regalia. Her blue eyes were glinting almost demonically, and her unkempt pink hair framed her face like a ring of burning fire.

Hell hath no fury like an amanto looking for her kidnapped pet.

Kagura pointed her umbrella like a saber at the motionless group of masked men, scowling fiercely at them. "So you're the bastards that stole my precious Sadaharu! How dare you, uh-huh! You better not have eaten him already, cause I'm definitely gonna make you regret it if you did!"

Ryotaro weakly volunteered, "U-um, I think there's been a misunderstanding…we weren't _really_ going to eat—"

But Kagura wasn't listening, already sprinting towards the corner where her darling pet sat, calmly watching the proceedings with interest. "SADAHARU! You're alright! Those bad men didn't cook you up and fry for dinner, uh-huh!"

Sadaharu gave an affirmative bark.

Shin felt a harsh push on his shoulder, and in the next instant there came a frantic whisper. "Scatter while she's still preoccupied!"

He didn't need telling twice, and in the next instant the formerly courageous and undefeated band of samurai had turned tail and fled, knowing they would tell tales to their grandchildren (should they be fortunate enough to survive this night) of the day they crossed a most fearsome Yato alien and got away with it.

When Kagura had ceased her hugging and turned around, she was greeted with the sight of a completely empty room.

* * *

Once they had safely made it outside, the various Shinsengumi members had all uncoordinatedly scurried in different directions, desperate to escape the possible reach of a demonic alien girl who might have chosen to pursue them.

Ryotaro ran through the streets, flanked closely by a panting Shin. "Ya think she's following us?" he called back at him.

"Hold on, Ryo!" was the sarcastically shouted answer. "Give me a second to go back and check, and I'll tell you!"

Glaring, Ryo looked over his shoulder to fire back a heated retort…but whatever clever thing he'd planned on saying was subsequently drowned out by the obscenely loud blare of police sirens.

Sirens that belonged to a car with blindingly flashing lights that was rapidly pulling up beside the two men garbed head to toe in black, with ski masks on their faces to boot.

A loud groan erupted from Shin. It was probably a lucky thing that Ryotaro's verbal reaction wasn't audible over the cry of the sirens, seeing as it was profane enough that it would have had to be edited out anyways.

In retrospect, Ryotaro couldn't summon up enough energy to even be surprised. Everything that could have gone wrong tonight have—why not add the police happening upon them when they looked like honest-to-goodness thieves to the list?

Shin and Ryo dragged to a stumbling halt as the car swerved in front of them, inconveniently cutting off their forward escape path. Going back was always an option, but fleeing was as good as an admission of guilt—as well as voluntarily painting a target to any misinformed policeman with a gun and a 'shoot first and ask questions later' mentality.

The first thing they saw of the policeman who climbed out of the squad car was a large, round belly. When the rest of him emerged, revealing a heavyset face with a curling, bushy mustache that stuck out oddly, the only thing that ran through Ryo's head was that they were going to be arrested by a veritable human walrus.

_Great_.

The officer approached cautiously, causing Ryo and Shin to simultaneously lift their hands to show that no, they weren't armed. Realizing that he still wore his ski mask, Ryo hastily pulled it off.

"Before you draw any conclusions," Ryo told the man trundling towards them. "This is _not _what you probably think it is."

The walrus drew up short before them, apparently satisfied that they weren't about to grow violent after a brief visual sweep of the two men. "That right, sonny?"

"Yeah," Ryo said emphatically, cringing slightly at the demeaning name.

"Because I'm thinking that you're crooks on the run from the law."

"We're not!"

"Then why are you boys dressed like you're out to rob a bank?" The officer questioned cheerfully and more than a little skeptically. "Not many folks dress up like that just to go on an evening stroll."

"It's because we're Shinsengumi!" Ryotaro explained in a rush. "We're, um, we're out on a mission!"

The officer raised an eyebrow. "That so?"

"_Yes,_" Ryotaro emphasized, brows furrowing in exasperation.

There was a long, drawn out moment of silence as the officer looked hard at them. "Bit of a convenient explanation there, boy," he said finally.

"We don't have to explain anything!" Ryo growled, his patience rapidly dissolving. "We're Shinsensumi! We outrank you!"

"Weeeelllll," the officer said, running a thoughtful finger along his considerably bushy mustache. "If that's true, then we'd have an entirely different situation on our hands, wouldn't we?"

"Exactly_,_" Ryotaro said. "So, now that we're agreed, we'll just be on our way and—"

"Now hold on, young man, hold on," the officer interjected, waving a hand for silence. "I said _if _that's true. You'd have to prove it first. Got any identification on you?"

Annoyance flickering upon his visage, Ryotaro immediately jammed a hand into his pocket, rummaging through it. "Of _course _I've got ID on me, ya know? I wouldn't be so stupid as to not—"

Ryo trailed off as a search of his pockets yielded absolutely nothing. In fact, neither did checking in his boots, his socks, his back pockets, or even his ski mask.

Ryotaro's face paled dramatically as he realized that he did not, in fact, have his ID on him. "Shin…?" He queried hopefully, giving his best friend a desperate look.

Said best friend, who until now had merely been watching with the expression of someone knowing all too well how something was about to turn out, just folded his arms and stared emotionlessly back. "No. Because you said, and I quote, 'Thieves don't carry identification on them.'"

"Ohoho!" The mustached cop belted out triumphantly, his rotund stomach shaking with the sound. "So you _admit_ to being crooks, eh boy?"

"We didn't say that!"

"Yes, you did," the officer retorted, pointing an accusing finger at a sour-faced Shin. "I just heard that young man over there say it with my very own ears."

"Maybe you've got faulty hearing?" Ryo suggested, scowling darkly at Shin.

"Ohoho!" Another grating laugh was let out. "Insulting an officer of the law now? First a willful declaration of a fake identification and an impersonation of a police officer, and then that? Boy, you'd better stop digging yourself into that hole."

"Ryo," Shin intoned calmly, eyes closed as though praying for patience. "Shut up before we end up scheduled for execution."

"Too late for that," the officer chuckled, reaching over to open the door of the squad car. Ryotaro and Shin stared blankly at it, not quite used to being on this end of the cop-robber routine. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you two to accompany me down to the station."

* * *

They were driven to one of the local jails downtown. Upon reaching their destination, Ryo and Shin were unceremoniously pulled from the police car and herded into the grey and foreboding station, the mustached police officer ushering them inside.

Dread alighted Ryotaro's veins when he stepped through the doorway and into the holding area, noticing that the plainclothesmen unit of the Edo Police were more efficient than he thought: the holding cells were crammed full of miserable Shinsengumi. He could recognize nearly every one of the fifty or so men who'd accompanied them on the mission that evening. A jolt of guilt shot through him when his gaze fell upon one particularly petrified little face.

"Kenji!"

The boy glanced up from where he'd been staring shame-faced at the floor. "Ryotaro-senpai! Shin-senpai! They got you too?"

"So it seems," Shin sighed in dull affirmation, allowing himself to be pushed into the cell by another officer. Ryotaro was thrown in immediately after, his protests smothered by a dismissive, "Ah, be quiet ya crook!" by one of the policemen.

"We've been telling them and telling them that we're Shinsengumi," Kenji told the newcomers. "But they just won't listen, and we can't prove it. None of us brought our member cards. And Toilet-senpai's obsessively cleaning over there in that corner," he pointed to a depressed, shuddering Kumanaku covering every inch of the filthy cell with hand sanitizer, "And Yamazaki-san's trying to bribe our way out with anpan." Ryo and Shin's gaze followed Kenji's finger as it motioned towards the opposite side of the cell, where an officer was staring in disgust at Yamazaki's shady anpan offerings.

Kenji wilted. "I don't think it's working though," he admitted, sounding close to tears. He hung his head, brown bangs flopping messily in his face. "I just don't know what we're gonna do, senpai."

Ryotaro lifted a hand, laying it gently upon his subordinate's shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "We'll get out of this, Kenji-kun. We get a phone call, ya know? All we have to do is get one of our captains down here, they'll identify us, and we'll all be home in no time!"

As if supporting his words, a younger policeman came jogging up eagerly to the mustached one, standing smartly at attention and saluting. "Sir, that's all of them!"

The mustached officer let out a rumble of approval. "Good work, Taki-san."

The younger one accepted the accolade with a bright nod. "Thank you, Sir! We believe that from their familiarity with one another and similar uniform, that they were involved in a widespread operation earlier this night! The detectives are already on the scene—they've traced their footsteps to an old warehouse."

"Wonderful, wonderful. Did they find anything?"

"Nothing except a young girl and a, um, large white dog, but they left before they could really be questioned. We're looking into it now."

"I see."

"And, Sir?"

"Hm?" The mustached officer was preoccupied with lighting a large, smelly-looking cigar.

Taki-san cleared his throat, giving the confined men a sidelong look. "Sir, all of those captured tonight, they…well, they keep insisting that they're…" He paused again.

His superior was growing impatient. "Well, out with it. What do they keep saying?"

A sheepish hand rubbed along the back of his neck. "They insist that they're Shinsengumi, sir. In an undercover operation, apparently."

"Ohoho!" The irritating laugh was back. "So they do, do they? Don't worry Taki-san, I got the exact same story from those two tonight." He jabbed a careless thumb at Ryotaro and Shin. "None of 'em can back it up though."

"But Sir," the other input cautiously, "On the off-chance that they may be telling the truth, don't you think it's wiser to doublecheck?" He bit his lip, worrying at it with his teeth. "The Shinsengumi report directly to the Bakufu…we could be in some deep trouble if they find out we wrongfully imprisoned their personal police force."

The older man puffed thoughtfully on his cigar, clearly considering his junior's not-illogical words.

As though sensing the mustached officer's deliberation, Taki-san offered, "All it would take would be a quick call to whoever the supervising Shinsengumi Captain of tonight's patrols is. We can probably have them down here in a matter of minutes, sir."

Mulling it over for another second, the officer finally gave a shrugging nod. "Very well. Off to it then. Anything's better than having the government breathing down my neck for lack of protocol."

* * *

True to his word, the young policeman had a Shinsengumi Captain arriving at the station in a record short time. There was only a short-lived moment of warning preceding the Captain's entrance, heralded by low voices and footsteps outside—but it was a moment in which every policeman and officer present seized upon to straighten uniforms and puff out chests. Even the mustached officer absently smoothed his bushy facial hair and sucked in his gut.

None other than Okita Sougo strolled casually through the doorway, eyes roving the unfamiliar surroundings in a subtly alert manner as he clearly ignored the babbling young policeman leading him in.

To Okita's credit, only the slightest bit of surprise played out upon his features before reverting to his stoic mask when his gaze landed on what appeared to be a good portion of the Shinsengumi's various squads locked away behind bars.

The Shinsengumi men couldn't deny an equal amount of shock at having the last Captain they'd ever believed waltz into the jail, but it was largely overshadowed by the cohesive feeling of relief.

"Okita-taichou!" Yamazaki called out joyfully, waving wild hands at the blonde. "Okita-taichou, we're so glad that you're here!"

"See, Kenji?" Ryotaro told the younger Shinsengumi beside him, grinning broadly. "Told ya we'd be out of here in no time."

"It is rather fortunate that taichou happened to be on patrol tonight," Shin allowed, an uncharacteristic smile creeping onto his lips.

The mustached officer hurried forwards, a hospitable smile and a sycophantic greeting at the ready. "Welcome, Captain, welcome!"

The man seemed to falter a bit at Okita's trademark blank stare as he switched his unnervingly steady gaze onto the mustached officer. "Officer," he replied laconically. "You put it in a call for assistance from the Shinsengumi?"

"Ah, yes, yes. We're appreciative that you answered so quickly. We merely needed some clarification in a small matter…we picked up these…_gentlemen_…tonight, and thought you could shed some light on the matter."

Okita sighed, his patience noticeably not at its greatest tonight. "What are they in for?"

The officer fidgeted nervously for a moment, before collecting himself. "Well, we're not exactly sure what they were up to tonight. We found them all shortly after nine, just running all over the streets like the devil was on their tail and dressed suspiciously. We traced them back to a warehouse off the main street, but apparently found nothing more than a girl and a dog there, so we suspect that that—"

"A dog?" Okita fluidly interrupted the man's ramblings, his voice dangerously soft.

The mustached officer coughed slightly. "Um, yes, sir. A young girl and a large white dog were in the warehouse. We didn't get a chance to…uh, is that significant in any way?"

Okita's posture had stiffened, his red eyes going curiously dark as he stared unblinkingly at the jailed Shinsengumi with a calculating expression. Their blood ran an icy cold at the look, suddenly grateful that there were iron bars separating them and their Captain.

Shin and Ryotaro exchanged panicked glances with one another, their faces openly bearing the same terrible thought: _Okita-taichou couldn't possibly know what they had been up to, right?_

"Sir?" The officer spoke up again, recapturing Okita's straying attention. "Do you know these men? They keep claiming that they're members of the Shinsengumi, and that they were dispatched on a special mission this evening. We need your confirmation on that to release them."

The Shinsengumi waited expectantly for their taichou's reply.

Okita cocked his head, wordlessly surveying them. A single long finger rose, tracing the seam of his mouth thoughtfully. "They claim they're Shinsengumi?" he murmured at last. He smirked slightly, a slow, lazy upturn of the lips. "Hm, how strange. I'm sorry, Officer. I've never seen these men before in my life."

A unified gasp rippled through the gathered Shinsengumi—who, apparently, had just been disowned by their captain.

"Ah!" The officer said triumphantly, mustache quivering as he shook his head. "I thought not, sir. These crooks—they'll say anything to get 'em out of jail."

"The old 'I'm an undercover cop' spiel," Okita said solemnly. "Really, have they no shame?"

The mustached policemen nodded vigorously, shooting an adamant look of disgust at the stunned group languishing behind bars. "Exactly my thoughts, sir. Well, don't worry. They'll soon regret that they ever attempted to sully the name of the honorable Shinsengumi with their lies. Filthy villains."

"Oi, officer, just one humble request."

"Of course, Sir!"

"Please make sure you discipline them well, okay? It would be a shame if these misguided souls couldn't become productive members of society again." Okita stared at the ceiling as he spoke, voice monotonous even as a small smirk twitched on his lips.

"Don't worry, Captain," came the assurance. "A few days of hard labor and our special gruel and they'll wish they'd never embarked upon a life of crime."

"Wonderful." Okita gave an entirely sincere smile (which was more than a little frightening to all who witnessed it) and turned sharply on his heel, boots clacking noisily on the floor. He raised a lazy hand as he left, calling back tonelessly, "Keep up the good work, Officer-san. And guys, please reform your criminal ways. I'd seriously hate to have to kill you one day."

And with those cheery words he slipped out the doors and into the night, taking with him the unfortunate and incarcerated men of the Shinsengumi's last hope.

Open-mouthed and gaping with disbelieving eyes, Kenji asked the rest of his similarly-shocked cohorts, "D-did taichou really just…?"

"Yes, Kenji," Shin replied flatly. "He really did."

Unhooking a set of jangling keys form his belt, the officer meandered over to the cells and unlocked the barred door. It swung open and bashed loudly against the wall, which bore marks bespeaking of a regularly similar occurrence in the past.

"Out," he ordered, clearly impermeable to the imprisoned Shinsengumi's pitiful looks.

"You're letting us go?" Kenji asked hopefully as he hastily followed the scores of others filing out.

The officer had a good chuckle at that. "Of course not, kid! This was just the holding cell. The _real _jail's a bit down yonder."

"Oh," Kenji said, deflated.

Motioning for the prisoners to follow him, all of whom did so in an uncertain daze and without protest, the mustached officer cheerfully led them down the hall and into a corridor lined on each side by tiny little cells.

Kenji's head swiveled around in a sort of disgusted fascination, having never been inside a prison before. The Shinsengumi Headquarters weren't equipped for holding anything except high-profile prisoners, usually of the Anti-Foreigner caliber, so they had few actually cells. They did have an abundance of interrogation rooms however—Hijikata-san in particular had one set especially aside for when he finally captured Katsura Kotaro.

Kenji never did ask what Hijikata-taichou had intended to do to Katsura that involved toothbrushes, rusty spoons, and what appeared to be cream cheese.

His nose wrinkled at the grimy floor and mold-riddled walls, as well as the thick scent that came from having bunches of men crammed in one small area for days on end. It had only been a few minutes, and Kenji was already certain of the fact that another hour in this place and he'd be fighting tooth and nail to get out. He glanced sympathetically at Kumanaku, whose germaphobia was already beginning to get the best of him.

His inner musings were interrupted by yet another telling _bang_ of an unlocked door.

"We'll put you all in here," the policeman said, waving a hand at the opened cell. The men of the Shinsengumi obediently, if not unhappily, filed inside the cell…

…only to abruptly come to a halt as a terrible smell, more horrendous than anything even in the hall, smacked into them. Kenji gagged and held a sleeve up to his nose, an action which most of the others hastened to mimic. The source of the foul odor seemed to be wafting from a ragged hobo-like man sitting placidly in the corner.

"This is Dirty Donchou, your cellmate," the mustached officer said. "He's in and out of here quite a lot, and he's not particularly fond of baths. But I'm sure you'll all get to be great friends."

The cell door clanged shut, and he walked away, leaving a horrified group of Shinsengumi behind. Most of whom were trying desperately not to inhale.

Dirty Donchou smiled at them, revealing yellow, cracked teeth…and those were the ones that weren't missing entirely. A fly crawled out of his ear. A worm dangled from his beard.

"Hello boys," he rasped, his screechy voice not unlike nails on a chalkboard. "Now, gather 'round close while I tell ye me life story. It's a doozy!"

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

When Kondo-san showed up the next day with a fuming Hijikata-san and decidedly innocent-looking Okita after discovering half his task force to be oddly absent, the Shinsengumi had never been so happy to see their beloved Gorilla commander.

* * *

**This chapter is for all the people who asked for more OkiKagu moments. I hope this pleased you :P I love my reviewers, you all bring me such happiness…which in turn makes me write crazily long chapters. I hope everyone appreciates the length of this chapter—my fingers are just about dead from typing XD**

**I'd love to hear what everyone thought!**

**~oh and just a side note: I know in the anime what Kagura actually adds onto her words is –**_**aru**_**, or something like that. But I think it's more cutesy in English, so I have it in here as 'yup' or 'uh-huh'. One person messaged me about it, so I just wanted to clarify :)**


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